Children of the Boss

Chapter 33: Carmen

February 9th

My first therapy session after the two funerals was right after school. I wasn't sure what I wanted to talk about with Cheryl. Over the past few months I felt numb. Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Pop's birthday...it almost felt like I couldn't remember it all. I was there, physically, but when I thought back to those moments I felt like I was looking down on them, down on myself from up above. I wasn't really there. 

"Your father told me you had some deaths in your family," she said.

"Yeah, his sister and dad," I said.

"Has it been hard with those happening?"

"Yeah, I guess," I said, looking at my shoes. They had salt stains on them. "It's sad. I didn't know my aunt but Granddad was important to me."

"It must be hard."

"It is." When she didn't say anything, I took a deep breath and said, "A lot of colleges I applied to have gotten back to me. All of them have actually. I got into all of the ones I applied to."

"That's good news," she said. 

"Yeah, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to choose which one. I got into NYU, Columbia, a few others...but also the one in Brazil where my biological mother teaches." She didn't say anything. "I want to go to Brazil. I was thinking I would go for a year, you know, and then transfer to some place in New York. I applied when Kenneth and I weren't getting along one time...I mean, we're still not talking, but this was different. I do want to go, but now with all these deaths I'm afraid to leave." I shook my head, grabbing the pillow. "I just don't know."

"What makes you afraid to leave?" she asked. Her voice was always so soft.

"Someone might die while I'm miles away. I would be far away from family in general."

"What makes you want to go to Brazil?"

I looked at her, and then back down. "A change of scenery. Just...a change in general. I've seen a lot of the world, but I never lived within those places. I've lived in the same house, with the same people, and attended the same school forever. Like, half of my graduating class is going to NYU. I need a change."

"You need a change." She repeated it, didn't ask. 

"Yeah..." I looked back at her. "I guess, maybe that decides it for me."

"Does it?"

I sighed, squeezing the pillow. "I don't want to go to Brazil for the wrong reasons," I said.

"What are the wrong reasons?"

"Running away from problems. If I went to Brazil, I would live with my biological mother and her girlfriend, but it would be different than living with my parents. My parents would watch after me you know, put me in therapy, and just...I don't know. It's not that Clara and Lorena wouldn't watch after me, but they can't tell me to do all the things my dads do. And...and Kenneth wouldn't be there. I don't..." I shook my head, sighing quickly. "I don't want to go to Brazil to avoid my problems. I don't want to go to Brazil because it will be an opportunity to get away with stuff I can't get away with here."

"What can't you get away with here?" she asked.

She had very bright blue eyes. They were beautiful. "I can't hurt myself here," I said. "I mean, I really could, like in the middle of the night I could. But with my family around me then I always think about them so I don't. I don't want to go to a different country so I can hurt myself and be stupid and careless."

She nodded. "So, you don't want to hurt yourself." Again, she didn't ask, just repeated.

"I don't," I said, my voice shaking, surprising me. "I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to hate myself. I don't hurt myself anymore because I don't hate myself anymore. I...I don't want to...I..." My eyes were watering. "I want to be alive," I said. "With my aunt passing away and my grandfather, it just makes me want to do more with my time. My aunt wasn't that happy in her life. My grandfather worked hard for a long time and wasn't that happy until later on. I want to be happy now and I want to live."