Becoming Determinant - Tobias' Story

Divergent Chapter 26 - First Kiss

"You had to get away from your dad," Tris says simply. There's no pity in her voice, no judgment. It's just a statement of fact, and it sends a surge of hope through my chest.

"Is that why you don't want to be a Dauntless leader?" she asks. "Because if you were, you might have to see him again?"

The question startles me, and again I'm struck by her intelligence. Just how many aptitudes does she have? But I shake that question off to answer hers.

"That, and I've always felt that I don't quite belong among the Dauntless. Not the way they are now, anyway."

She looks surprised, and she blurts out, "But you're…incredible." For a moment, I think she's just trying to be kind, that the Abnegation in her is showing, but then she clears her throat and looks away, embarrassed, and I realize she means it. The thought sends a shoot of pure joy through me.

"I mean, by Dauntless standards," Tris adds hastily. I know she's trying to cover her slip, but I don't call her on it. "Four fears is unheard of. How could you not belong here?"

I lift a shoulder, not sure how to answer at first. "I have a theory," I finally start, "that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different. All your life you've been training to forget yourself, so when you're in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could belong in Abnegation just as easily." You could, too, I think, but she suddenly looks bitter.

"Yeah, well," she says, "I left Abnegation because I wasn't selfless enough, no matter how hard I tried to be."

I almost laugh. With everything she's helped me with tonight, she thinks she's selfish? My lips curve into a smile, and I say, "That's not entirely true. That girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend, who hit my dad with a belt to protect me – that selfless girl, that's not you?"

She stares at me for a moment, frowning in thought, before she speaks. "You've been paying close attention, haven't you?" Only all the time….

"I like to observe people" comes out of my mouth. I'm not entirely sure if I'm joking or evading the issue, it's so obviously untrue. She picks up on my tone.

"Maybe you were cut out for Candor, Four," she says, mirroring my words from in the fear landscape, "because you're a terrible liar." My first impulse is to laugh, but I hear the same tone in her voice that I felt when I said those words to her earlier, and I realize she's figured it out. She knows how I feel. It's time to be bold.

I rest my hand on the rock, leaning closer to her. The air charges with electricity, as it always does when I'm near her, and I can smell her incredible scent. She's looking down at my hand, avoiding my eyes, so I look at her lips instead. They're so close, I could lean in just a little more and kiss them. The temptation is almost overwhelming.

"Fine," I tell her. "I watched you because I like you." My voice is steady. I'm done waiting.

Her eyes jump to mine, and I meet them calmly as I continue, "And don't call me 'Four,' okay? It's nice to hear my name again."

She blushes and struggles to respond before stammering, "But you're older than I am…Tobias."

A smile comes to my lips, unbidden. That's really what she's going to focus on here? "Yes," I say wryly, "that whopping two-year gap really is insurmountable, isn't it?"

To my surprise, she looks more flustered, upset even. "I'm not trying to be self-deprecating," she protests, "I just don't get it. I'm younger. I'm not pretty. I—" but she stops because I'm laughing. I can't help it. After all my worries and fears and hesitations, she thinks she's not good enough for me?

This amazing young woman who brought me back to life and changed everything thinks that I should be with someone better? I laugh from deep inside and lean forward those extra few inches, kissing her temple softly.

But she's angry. "Don't pretend," she says, "you know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty."

For a moment, I'm torn between amusement and anger. I know that Abnegation self-doubt all too well. It's the problem with always focusing outside ourselves – we can't see our own worth. I hate that she doesn't know how truly incredible she is. It won't be possible to convince her in one night, but I can start.

"Fine," I say, humoring her. "You're not 'pretty'. So?" I hold her eyes for a moment, challenging her to see herself as she deserves to be seen. Then, I kiss her cheek. I can't resist.

"I like how you look," I emphasize, my voice dropping on the word "like." "You're deadly smart. You're brave." I pause and then add the difficult part in a softer voice. "And even though you found out about Marcus, you aren't giving me that look. Like I'm a kicked puppy or something."

She stares at me blankly, like it never even occurred to her to pity me, and answers, "Well, you're not."

In that moment, I love her even more, and then it's impossible to wait any longer. My hand caresses her face, and my body leans in, and I kiss her on the lips. I probably do everything wrong, but to me it's the most perfect moment in my life. Her scent, her taste, the feel of her lips on mine, her soft skin under my hand, all boil together into a happiness so deep it's almost painful. A smile crosses my face, and I have to pull back enough to let it spread. I don't go far.

Then, my lips are back on hers, the excitement growing. This is finally happening. I've been hoping for so long, and now it's real. My hands need to be on her face again, so I move away enough to give them room, let them pull her back to me so we can kiss more firmly, more deeply.

She runs a hand up my back and my neck, sliding her fingers through my hair and holding me to her as she responds with growing enthusiasm. We stay that way for a long time, and I never want it to end.

A large splash from the river finally catches my attention, and I reluctantly pull away, realizing abruptly just how late it is. We both have training tomorrow. I gaze at her for a moment longer, my fingers brushing her cheek affectionately, and then I take her hand and we rise. "I'll walk you to the dorm," I say softly.

We don't talk on the way there. My mind is too occupied, and I suspect hers is too, but our hands stay linked the whole time. I automatically take the route with the fewest cameras and pull us into the shadows to avoid the others. It's a deep instinct at this point.

When we reach the dorm, we linger outside the door. I caress her face again and bring my lips to hers for a long, slow kiss. When we finally pull apart, I whisper, "Good night, Tris." Her eyes meet mine unhesitatingly, and a smile tugs at her mouth.

"Good night, Tobias," she says, and I know she's enjoying using that name – being the only person to use it. I smile back, and then she walks into the dorm, while I return slowly to my apartment.

It's not until I'm there that I realize we didn't talk about how to act around everyone else tomorrow. Surely, she'll know that we have to stay hidden for now. As smart as she is, she must know that. I hope so, anyway.

A/N: I have a terrible cold and feel miserable, and none of my favorite happy "Divergent" fics have been updated lately, so it was nice to reread this chapter and feel cheery about Tris and Tobias' first kiss. Hopefully, you liked it too. If so, please take a moment to write a review. I'm pretty sure that would help me feel better! :-)