My dearest K.

8.

20 March 2015

My dearest K.,

I feel peaceful tonight... after a long time I feel so peaceful I actually believe I can put a balance between the bad and good in my life. This emotional state reminded me of the night after my prom. I had that white princess dress on me that you adore and left earlier just to find out that you were waiting for me outside. Seeing you like that, waiting for me without even telling me you were there so that I didn't rush myself, I just wished that you didn't turn your head and see how I was gawking at you...because... you, my darling, destroy me in the most beautiful way possible and make me understand why storms are named after people. I remember you took me by the sea that night. Sitting on your lap with my head under your chin, feeling like your arms around me would never let me go, I felt peaceful...I felt like there is still hope under that confusing sky...like we didn't have to fight at all in this life...like we finally had deserved rest to appreciate what we won and what we lost. And at that moment, I chose to feel lucky...lucky that God had cleared my way from some people and put some others that became strength for me, lucky to have someone as you to whom I can tell about my bad behaviors without you thinking that I am a bad person, because you will always assure me that what is inside me is purer and more beautiful...lucky to be just me. And since tonight I feel my chaotic soul as peaceful as it can ever be, I am ready to answer your question baby: "What is the biggest fear that haunts you during the day and leaves you sleepless during nights?"

I had feared loneliness since I can't ever remember... I would shut up my mind even if I just thought of it. This made me feel for a very long time like the people around me could drive during my journey better than I could. People say life is like shopping...you have to give something in order to gain something else...it was true. Life had to take me a friend to make me understand that this life... this life is only mine. This truly amazing gift has only one recipient and I can't send other people to withdraw it at the post station. That day... the day when you finally understand that you can make it out there alone...that day when you feel like your life is only yours... that is the day when your life truly starts and now it has started for me, baby.

After I took the driving license of my life, I saw that I was afraid again... this time by something that suppressed my soul and made my heart feel heavier... the fear of being just okay. Look around you. How many people do you think are settling? Probably a hell of a lot. People settle in okay relationships, okay jobs, okay friends and on okay life. Why? Because okay is comfortable. Okay pays the bills and provides you with a totally normal life. Some people are alright with okay, and guess what? That's okay. But okay is not breathtaking, it isn't passion, it's not life-changing or remarkable. Okay is not the reason I would risk absolutely every fucking thing I have for the smallest chance that maybe... just maybe... something absolutely amazing could happen. Okay is not what makes me get out of the bed in the morning. Okay is not what makes me want not to sleep at night because finally, reality has become more beautiful than a dream. That is it, baby... I now fear of being okay.

Since the beginning, I felt that loving you would be painfully passionate... it would be a real mess, but even a control freak like me was willing to join...it would turn my life upside down and despite all my hate for new things and change, I let you have full access to my thoughts and feelings... and guess what? That's not okay... it was totally not okay for me at the beginning, but this not okay thing made me get up smiling in the morning when my day had not even started. And if not okay feels like loving you, I will fear to be okay for the rest of my life.

Forever yours,

D.