Living Your Lie (boyxboy)

Chapter 35

Corian raised a brow. "Oh yeah? Enlighten me, Yoda."

I ignored her piss-poor attitude. "Dante was a mistake. Talking to him that night ruined everything," I said, more as another reminder to myself than to my friends. "I should have told him I wasn't going to meet him out there."

"But you did," Nathan pointed out. "And you did it for a reason. And I'm pretty sure if you relived that moment again you'd do exactly the same thing."

I snorted at the ridiculousness of his suggestion. "I sure as hell wouldn't. Look where it got me."

"Moping like a bitch," Corian muttered.

"You would and you know it," Nathan responded, pretending Corian hadn't spoken.

"Shut up, Nathan," I snapped.

"No, listen the fuck up," he said, surprising me twice over with a slightly rough punch to the chest and his suddenly intense tone. Corian looked proud of him and I frowned, rubbing my chest, but letting him continue. "I get why you went out there and talked to him. You guys needed to have that conversation. You needed closure after all the shit you and Dante shared. But it shouldn't have been in the middle of the night and it shouldn't have happened without you telling Dakota what you were doing."

"I know that now, jerk. But in the moment, I just...I don't know." I shook my head. "He was there and I just went outside. I didn't even think about it."

"Are you in love with him?" Corian asked bluntly.

I blanched. "What the fuck--no!"

She shrugged innocently at the look of horror on my face. "There's nothing wrong with that if you are. But if you are then you need to let Dakota go. He was right, it's not fair to him."

"I do love Dakota, though," I said quietly. It was the first time I'd ever let myself fully think or say those words.

"I think you love the idea," Nathan piped in, sounding bright, as if he'd just hit a jackpot. I didn't appreciate his excitement. "And maybe you love being around him and who he is, but that's not the same as being in love with him."

I felt my confusion mounting. I looked between my two friends. "Doesn't that take time, though? You don't just fall in love right away. Lust, yeah, but..."

Corian softened and she patted my leg. "Sometimes it does...but it usually helps if you aren't already in love with someone else."

"But I don't know if I'm in love with Dante," I said forcefully. Yet even as I said those words, I couldn't help but think that maybe I had spent so long living a lie for other people that I couldn't even realize when I was lying to myself. I scowled to myself, annoyed more than ever at how messed up my relationships had gotten.

My friends exchanged a knowing look that annoyed me even more, then Nathan said, "If you figure that out, and realize that you aren't, I think then Dakota would consider working things out."

"But the two of you can't be dating and trying to force something that you aren't putting a hundred percent of yourself into," Corian finished.

I felt myself deflating as their words sunk in. I slump against my headboard. "Maybe I never should have started anything with him. I've never wanted to hurt him. He's so fucking perfect, guys," I said, feeling myself begin to get emotional. "He's the sweetest guy I've ever met but I've lost track of how many times I've hurt him and I genuinely feel like absolute shit about it. I don't regret being with him. I still want to be with him. I just want to tell him how sorry I am."

"When he's ready to hear it, he'll listen," Corian reiterated, pulling me into a hug.

For the next two weeks, day after day passed without me hearing anything from Dakota. I would pass him in the hallway at school and he would look away. He didn't sit at our usual team table at lunch anymore, either. Instead he and Greyson opted to sit at the next table over where Greyson's girlfriend and her basketball teammates sat.