The Devil's Dance

28

My bedroom door flies open and Olivia comes marching in. I already know it's too early because my alarm hasn't gone off yet. She flops down on my bed and taps my nose with her finger.
"Glad you're awake." She says smiling.
"I wasn't before you stormed in." I mumble, sinking further into the blankets.
"Well now you are. You have therapy in two hours. Time to get up." She pulls at my covers.
"Liv. Her office is literally two blocks away." I groan. It's freezing in here.
"Yes but you need time to eat breakfast and shower." Olivia hops up and claps her hands together. "The cafeteria is serving french toast. You love french toast."
I get up and shuffle to my closet. What should I wear? I turn around to look at Liv to see what she's wearing. Soccer shorts and a t-shirt. Of course. I begin to take my clothes off but I remember she's still in the room. In the past this wouldn't have been a problem, but no one's allowed to see me naked except Mistress. Rule 11.
"Get out Liv." I say.
"You're such a grouch in the morning. I'll be waiting in the living room."
"Uh huh."
I hear her leave the room. I strip down and get in the shower. The hot water brings me to life. My eyes drift to my feet. So many years of dancing have been hard on my little toes. Still, they don't look as bad as some feet I've seen. I wash my body and shut the water off. After I get dressed, as promised, I meet Liv in the living room swinging her keys. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. Sickening.
I'm already seated in the cafe. It didn't take me long to get the one piece of french toast on my plate and a bowl of fruit. I haven't started to eat yet. I nervously tap my fingers on the table. This will be my first time actually having a therapy session. I met Dr. Glen but it was brief and it was only to set my future appointments. I'm not sure what to expect. I don't even want to go but alas I have no choice. Olivia sits next to me. She looks over at my plate and nods.
"Someone's hungry." She says.
I chuckle. This is probably the most food she's seen me eat in a while. "A little."
"Proud of you, Kitty." She kisses the side of my head.
"Thank you." I smile at her. It feels good to hear someone say that because despite what it may look like, I am trying. Trying to eat more. Trying to stay healthy. Trying to stay happy. Trying to please my dad. Trying not to snap every time someone asks me what happened. Trust me, if I'm not doing anything else, I'm trying.

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Apparently, Mama arranged for Elizabeth to bring me to therapy. I don't mind it. Elizabeth is the sweetest and I didn't want to be be here alone. I know Elizabeth can't go in with me but it's nice to have someone wait with me. Mama can't and Olivia has class. My leg is bouncing as it usually does when I'm scared or nervous.
"First time?" Elizabeth asks.
I nod. "Yes, ma'am."
"You'll be fine. It's important to remember to be honest. They're the last person you have to lie to. Plus they can't help you help yourself if you don't tell them the truth."
"You think therapy actually helps?" I ask.
"Of course. I've seen it with my own two eyes." She says smiling.
Before I can say anything back Dr. Glen approaches us.
"Katia, nice to see you again. I'm ready for you."
I smile at Elizabeth one more time before I go into Dr. Glen's office. I didn't come in here the first time. It looks different than I thought it would. A lot more comfortable than I anticipated. Warmer. There's a couch and a big plush cocoon looking chair. I choose to sit in that one. It's very soft and comfortable. Dr. Glen smiles at me.
"I thought you'd pick that one." She says taking a seat directly across from me.
"Why?" I ask.
"Based on the things Christine and I discussed."
The heat rises to my cheeks. "Are you Miss Bell's therapist too?" I ask.
She shakes her head. "No we've known each other for years. She's a good friend of mine."
"Oh." I say.
"But please be sure that nothing you say will be discussed with her or anyone else. You have full patient doctor confidentiality. I swear."
I nod slowly. "So what else did she tell you?" I ask. I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say to her or not.
"That you two are very close. Romantically involved. Chris and I run in the same circle." She gives me a knowing look. "We have some of the same... peculiar interests. So I don't want you to be afraid or ashamed or nervous to talk about any and everything. I believe that's why she reached out. So you didn't have to censor yourself."
My heart is beating faster than before. Someone knows about us. Mistress wants people to know about us. Her friends. She's proud to be with me even though I am a complete mess.
"So what am I supposed to talk about? The eating thing I guess. Well rather the not eating thing. That's why I'm here right?"
"Is that why you think you're here?" She asks.
"Well yeah. I think it's overkill honestly." I confess.
"Why do you think that?" She crosses her legs and folds her hand neatly in her lap. I thought she was supposed to be writing something down.
"I'm not usually like this. I made a mistake."
"Sometimes our mistakes aren't isolated incidents. That's when it becomes a cycle. Have you made this mistake before?" She asks.
"Yes, but that was a while ago. I eat normally. I was just stressed out and feeling a little self cautious about my body."
"Do you still feel that way?"
"No." I answer quickly, then I remember what Elizabeth said. Be honest. "Yes actually."
"Thank you for being honest Katia."
"Can you call me Kat?" I ask.
"Yes. Of course." She's so polite. "Would you like to tell me more about your self image?" She asks.
"Do I have to?"
"No. You can talk to me about anything. Tuesdays and Thursdays you have me to yourself for an hour and a half to talk about whatever your heart desires."
"So I can talk about dance or my dad or Olivia?" I ask.
"Who is Olivia?" She asks.
"My roommate and best friend. Also, my ex." I divulge.
"Sure. Let's talk about Olivia."
"I guess I should start at the beginning." I shrug.
She nods. "I want to hear it all."
"Okie dokie." I say. I take a deep breath and start at the top. Liv and I have a long history so I'm not surprised that I talked about us for a whole hour. Of course Dr Glen interrupted here and there to get clarification on things but it was mostly me talking. Ok so therapy isn't that bad. It's not bad at all actually. I think I might be looking forward to our next session. As I'm leaving Dr Glen stops me.
"You did a really good job today. I'm proud of you and grateful for you opening up to me. Thank you."
"Oh you're welcome. I'll see you Thursday."
"I'll be here." She says smiling. She hands me a lollipop.
The little in me is excited to see candy first thing in the morning.
"Don't tell your Mama I gave that to you so early." She whispers and winks at me. I turn red. Bashful.
"I won't!" I giggle.
"Have a good day." She says as she opens the door. She's so nice. I almost feel bad about lying to her. I told her I cheated on Mistress with Olivia. Of course I didn't but I need to see if I can trust her. I leave her office in a much better mood than when I arrived. Maybe my dad was right. I do need therapy and that's okay.