After Love

Part II - Promises & Key Rings

As narrated by Lonwabo Zwane

I walked out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped around my body. For a moment I felt silly, the towel did well at hiding my body but not my shame. I could see Angelo was confused and I knew this wasn't the right way to bring this up, but was there ever a right way or even a right time?

He looked at me with hurt in his eyes. I wasn't sure if he felt rejected or unwanted but it wasn't his fault. We were living together and would share a room, I knew eventually he would want sex but somewhere in my mind I hoped he would wait.

"Before you ask, it's not you. I find you attractive", I whispered gently as I moved to sit next to him. "I know it's not the right way to tell you or the right time but I'm done making excuses in relationships. I had my excuses lined up. Today I would say it's not possible cause our friends are around or I'm too tired. Tomorrow I was going to lie about my period or something and on and on. I'm tired".

He was lost. He had this thing he would do when he couldn't understand something, he would look down and play with his fingers. Normally playing with his hands were fine but now he was scratching his palm and I knew a half explanation wouldn't be enough.

"I told you that I couldn't have kids, I didn't tell you why.", she paused. "My uncle... He used to rape me. He raped me. He then taught my cousins... His kids how to please a woman with me as their training doll. He got me pregnant but my mother didn't want everyone to know her brother and his sons were rapists or that her daughter was now used goods, so she took me for a backdoor abortion. Something went wrong and I lost my womb. Other than the rapes, I have never had sex. I don't know how to".

Two days ago he first told me he loves me and today I am telling him my biggest secret. Through his eyes I could see that his soul was leaving his body, there was a spark in them when he was happy but with each word I saw the light fade and all that was left was a brown void begging me to stop, begging me to say it was a lie.

I wondered if he was as afraid as I was. In his mind, he probably thought I lied about who I was and that he could never love someone so broken. I, on the other hand, struggled to let myself be loved but here I am moving in with a man with more demons surrounding him than the devil. Maybe that's why I fell for him, we were broken in different ways but our brokenness was what we shared.

I felt my throat dry up and my conscience tell me that I shared too much but I wanted a future with this man and laying with him, even if just to please him would be another form of rape. So I needed him to know everything, to understand everything and hopefully he would be patient until I was ready.

"It started off small. He would offer me sweets in exchange for a kiss on the lips. Letting him touch my breast meant he would help me with my chores, so I had more time to spend with my friends. When I sat on his lap, it meant I could watch whatever television show I wanted and letting him give me a bath or help me change into my pj's meant a little extra tuck shop money".

"I'll be right back". I felt his hand move from mine as he spoke. His body followed and before I knew it, he was out the door and rushing down the stairs.

I put my clothes back on and walked to the hallway. I stood at the edge. I struggled to hear what was going on with the music playing but I heard him say to Kyle, 'I can't do this'. I knew it, this was too much for him. I walked back to the room and started to pack my things. How could I expect him to love damaged goods?

I walked back to the room and started to pack my things. The least I could do was make it easy for him when he kicked me out. My friends were still here so they would help me carry my things and I could ask Tshepiso to let me stay at her place. I could feel my heart racing and I knew I had to call her, a panic attack was coming and I had to call Lynda.