hues (chaelisa)

Chapter Fourteen: In where the roses have bloomed

Chaeyoung

I don't know which I'm feeling more of: anger or sadness. I guess it doesn't matter anymore cause my heart hurts either way. I'm not sure how I'll end up forgiving Lisa, and that's if I even decide to forgive her. How could she be so cruel to me? Doesn't she love me—or at least feel something akin to love?

After making it pass the mob surrounding the entrance of the hotel and checking into our rooms, Jisoo asks, "Do you want me to stay with you?"

I shake my head, unable to form any coherent words without sobbing.

"Okay, I'll be in the room over if you need me," Jisoo says before softly shutting the door.

I fall into the bed and curl under the sheets, crying out every single last bit of energy that I had stored in my body. The world dims around me and I let myself fall into unconsciousness, thankful that I could at least escape this horrible reality for just a few measly hours.

When I wake up a few hours into the night, I don't cry. It's not because I'm over it, because I know that I'm never going to be over Lisa. She'll always be there with me, nestled deep into my heart; she's become a permanent resident there, whether I like it or not. I think that the reason behind why I'm not crying anymore is because my body is tired from all the intense emotions I've been going through these past few weeks.

I'm just so tired.

I'm not even sure how I feel anymore.

I grab for my phone, but instead of opening the device and checking for messages, I turn the thing around and pry open the phone case. A folded piece of paper falls onto the bed sheets and I reach over to the nightstand for a pen. I remember I wrote a few lyrics to a new song a few weeks ago, it was after Lisa had texted me for the first time since our breakup.

And I find myself stuck in this hopeless place,
the roses in the garden have blued.
And the more I wander through this maze,
all I see are meaningless hues.

I was proud of what I had written so far, but I couldn't think of more lyrics to add onto to what I had back then; but now, I know exactly what I want to add.

I'm wandering through the pale moonlight,
I wish I could leave you alone. 
But I keep on coming to your side,
I just need you to pull me close.

No matter how much I'm hurting,
my love for you is still burning.
All I can feel is my heart yearning,
why have I learned nothing?

I keep on seeing shades and hues
that give me hope for you.
So could you please come back soon?
I know that you love me too.

And I know that these aren't meaningless hues,
cause the roses in the garden have bloomed.
and it'd be wrong for us to
refuse the brilliant hues.

There's definitely not enough lyrics to fill up an entire song, but I'm determined to get this thing released. I reach for my phone and take a picture of the paper, proceeding to send it to the main producer of my music.

me
hey i wrote smth and i rly want to get it officially released
please look over it
image1289.png

When I back out of the chatroom, I notice that I've a received a giant text from Lisa. With trembling hands, I click on the message to read the full thing.

lalisa
i'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. hurting you was never my intention. i was just so scared of how we'll end up turning out. so lying and saying that i didn't remember us was a stupid way of holding back our problems. i told myself that i was going to tell you. i told myself that i was going to tell you the truth and we were going to talk once i was ready. but the truth is that i don't think i'm ever going to be ready, so i'm just gonna say everything that i have to say to you in this text. i love you, chaeyoung. i've never stopped loving you and as selfish as it sounds, i hope that you still love me and that there's still a possibility that we can end up together. a while ago, i messaged jennie and i asked her if it was stupid of me to try and talk to you again. she told me that you still had feelings for me and i understand if they've changed, cause after the lies i know i'm a horrible person. but then you said that i was using you for your fame and i got so upset and mad in that moment that for a second i forgot just how much i loved you. but i really love you for you, and your fame has nothing to do with it, i swear. and when you came to visit me at the hospital, you were only telling me about the times we were just friends and i knew that you were hiding something else about us from me. and i got really mad at you again. but i know that you're probably even angrier at me for what i did, and i'm really sorry. and i understand if you don't talk to me ever again or if you take a while. as long as you're happy and well again, it's okay.

It takes me an entire five minutes to read and reread and process the entire thing. There's so much to say that I don't even know what to say back. A part of me still wants to hold a grudge against Lisa for the way she lied to me, but I just can't, not when she's poured her heart out to me like this. I settle for sending her the picture of the lyrics.

me
image1289.png
i'll call you later