w a t e r s o n g

cold

Cold.

That's what they'd call Miranda afterward.

Not calm and collected, just cold.

Raph would not stop screaming.

When Miranda inevitably visualized these scenarios (you know the ones, the phone call at 3.a.m. or officers showing up at your door), it was Raph who'd stay in his head. But now he was howling like a wolf at the moon, while Miranda begged him to calm down. Serena would come out soon to see what all the noise was about, and she couldn't bear for her younger daughter to see her sister like this.

At this point, there was nothing they could do but wait for help.

But inside she was screaming just as loudly. Her daughter, her first born, was dead in her arms. How could that be, she wondered. It felt impossible. But she knew, people died all the time, and then they were gone. They had a headstone and slowly became part of the past, and life for everyone else went on. She wasn't ready to accept that, and she refused to think about that at all. Right now she was just clinging to the last few moments she had with her daughter, even if Regina wasn't breathing.

A few long moments later, Serena came to the door. Miranda knew she had to pull herself together. She left Regina for Raph to hold, and she walked Serena back in the house, telling her not to look. It wasn't her saying the words; it's just what needed to be said, perhaps a natural reaction stemming from her days of counseling. When the authorities arrived, she gave a statement. After they left, she did the dishes. It wasn't until Raph and Serena fell into fitful sleep in her bed that she went into the shower and ran the water and bit her fist and screamed for real.

These things happened, but never to them. Right?

No. She was wrong. She'd always been wrong. About life, love, faith, all of it. Her daughter was being transported to the hospital, not to be healed, but to be dissected, if the television shows were at all accurate. A healthy sixteen-year old girl doesn't fall into the pool and drown unless there is something--or someone else--involved. They'd want to find out the cause.

Had she been drinking, the police had asked.

Of course not, she'd replied indignantly, until she remembered the bottle of wine that had seemed a little lighter to her when she poured her evening glass. That was probably just her, though, having drunk a tiny bit more than she'd realized the previous night.

Was there anyone else with her, they asked.

She didn't think so. There was one gate in their backyard, and they kept it locked up tight so no one could get into the pool area. They installed that after the incident with the neighbors' toddler. Of course, Regina could have opened it for them, but it was a school night and she didn't usually disobey her parents' wishes that she confine her social life to the weekends. Weekdays were for family, studying, and making healthy choices. She cringed when she heard those words coming out of her mouth because they implied that weekends were not for any of those things, but there was nothing she could do to change it now.

Did Regina have a boyfriend, they asked.

A close friend but it was so hard to tell these days. Regina's friends roved around the community like a herd, and there was no telling who was dating whom. Unless she went into her daughter's phone, of course, but she considered that a gross violation of privacy. Regina was smart and responsible, and whatever she was doing, Miranda was sure that it was above board.

The police had needed to confiscate Regina's phone to make sure she hadn't made plans with a stranger or even one of her friends that night, to make sure she didn't keep a secret diary in her notes where she detailed suicide plans.

But that was ridiculous. How does one drown oneself in their own pool? It wasn't like she walked into it with pockets full of stones. Besides, Regina was one of the most well-adjusted kids that Miranda knew. She was always spouting nuggets of wisdom like how you should do today what would make the you of tomorrow proud. Miranda suspected she found most of her quotes on Instagram, but she seemed very confident within herself. Whereas many girls that age had body issues, she was a trim 5'6" and kept fit by swimming laps every afternoon when she got home from school. She didn't worry when she put on a few pounds during the winter, she just let her body do its thing. Her long, shiny black hair was always pinned neatly back, and she didn't follow the trend of showing off too much skin. Her favorite outfits were jeans or leggings with oversize sweatshirts. She always had a smile on her face. Raph called her Sunshine. She couldn't have been depressed, just couldn't have been.

She would have known.

The police woman at the door thanked her for her time and then left after sharing her deepest condolences. Miranda had gone into the kitchen to do the dishes while Raph rocked Serena to sleep. Miranda picked up a dish and held it for a long time. She could tell it was Regina's by the way all of the pepperoni had been picked off the pizza and set aside on the plate. No matter how many times she nagged Regina to dump her plate before putting it in the sink, Regina didn't listen. It was as though her perfection could only stretch so far.

Miranda couldn't stand to wash it, to erase that last trace of her. Without thinking, Miranda took the plate into the living room, staring at it. She sank into the sofa and sobbed as if in a trance. Why did they order the pepperoni, she wondered. After all these years of knowing Regina would pick it off, she kept ordering it. And now there was nothing she could do about it. It may seem silly, but it was just another way she had taken her daughter for granted.

She left the plate on the sofa and wandered up to the bathroom, turning the shower as hot as it would go. Steam rose, and once she couldn't see anymore, she stepped into the scalding water.

The dam broke, and the strangled scream she'd kept inside all evening rose to the surface. Not too loud, though, because she didn't want to wake Raph and Serena. She had to be strong for them. She had arrangements to make. She had emails to send.

 Because if she didn't do it, who would?