Written by: kiaralotts
*MATURE CONTENT*
Cover
Not to shabby, its actually a good cover. All I've got to say is move the 'Adobe spark' and 'by'. Just having your name is great. There's no need for by :)
Summary
Right, description is a bit to long. I would try shortening if it I was you. 'Says whatever on her mind' This is more suited ' Says whatever is on her mind'
Aye its not a bad description. It tells you what its about, good question at the end. Well done on it! :)
Chapter One
Well then, that was an I interesting opening. You've done really well on the opening. You've managed to catch my eye. My only concern is that its spaced out weirdly. Add some stars to show she's in a different place to avoid confusion. A small description of whi Jaxon is would be good. I understand he's the club owner but you could've easily add on to that.
Interesting, bringing the police in. I wonder why they are there? This chapter was good. Good for adding questions at the end. You're interacting with your readers which is really good. Would've been nice to know why the police were there though.
Chapter Two
Great starting point here. 'Inside he was laying back in the seat with his eyes closed his breathing was slow as he was enjoying a nice blowjob from his partner Yolanda' How about this version? ' Inside he was laying back against the seat with his eyes closes. His breathing was slow as he enjoyed a nice blowjob from his partner Yolanda'
I'm confused, You said Yolanda was his partner? But she's saying I love you to another bloke called Troy?
Overall
Great story! A few spelling errors etc but that's okay. However, the spacing is terrible. That needs to be sorted. There's not much I can say because it's really good. You've got an interesting plot and everything.
Positives
•Cover
•Description
•Author notes
Negatives
•Spacing
Tips
Spacing your paragraphs in a proper way will make your chapters even more presentable.
7/10
♡Never Stop♡
Sarah
YOU ARE READING
Honest Reviews - CLOSED FOR CATCH UP
Teen FictionHi there! Need an honest review, you've come to the right place! We will happily spend hours reading your story to give you the best review we can offer :)
