To Lose or to Gain: Iroh's Child (AtlA Fanfic)

A Father's Misery

"I'd give anything to hold you again, Lu Ten."

In the back of Iroh's mind, he knew this would include giving up every single victory he'd achieved as a soldier in his father's army as his achievements seemed like nothing in comparison to Lu Ten, yet in the back of his mind, he knew Lu Ten was his greatest achievement. He'd always thought this so, yet now he wondered if all of his other achievements could actually add up to that one.

Losing Lu Ten made Iroh feel old despite everyone feeling he was in the prime of his life, yet this made sense given the fact Lu Ten was his life and his heartbeat. The feeling of his will to live leaving left him feeling unable to face his own father right away knowing full well the pain Fire Lord Azulon would feel seeing him in such a state, but Iroh didn't feel right about pushing the kind of pain he felt onto another.

As such he found himself sneaking into the palace early so that he might retreat to Lu Ten's quarters and seek solace among his son's things. Memories of sneaking in and out in his youth flickered through his mind, yet the feeling of exuberance he felt whenever he rebelled was different from the way he felt now. Sneaking in proved just as easy now as it did back then despite Iroh's current lack of zeal, but he soon arrived outside of the doors to Lu Ten's room.

Iroh's eyes narrowed upon seeing a couple of guards outside of Lu Ten's room, but their hands headed towards their weapons. Iroh lowered the hood covering his head and continued walking forward, but one of the guards spoke. "General Iroh. We thought you were to return tomorrow or the day after."

"I wished for some time alone to myself and Lu Ten." Iroh watched the guard's glance at each other. The second guard opened his mouth almost as if he wanted to protest which in turn made Iroh lift a finger to his mouth. "Please don't let anyone know I am here." The worry on their faces made Iroh quickly add, "I'll make sure neither of you get in trouble with Fire Lord Azulon."

He stepped forward and opened the door to Lu Ten's room. The room remained the way he and Lu Ten left the place when they left for the Siege of Ba Sing Se. A sigh escaped Iroh's lips as he closed the doors behind him and walked over to the bed before dropping onto the bed which still somehow kept Lu Ten's scent. Iroh closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

A sound from the other side of the bed made Iroh's eyes snap open and he instinctively sat up. "Who's there!"

"I..." Iroh's eyes widened upon hearing the voice of his nephew, but his eyes picked out the top knot on top of his nephew's small head. A small hand appeared to pull the child up from the ground and he saw Zuko's wide and wary golden eyes looking him right in the eye. A sigh escaped from Iroh's lungs, but his hand lit up a rather weak fireball in his hand so he might see the child better. He watched the child swallow yet made out the fear in the child's eyes. "It's me."

"Zuko." Iroh pushed his lips together, yet he felt the corners of his mouth creep up slightly at seeing the boy. "What are you doing in here?"

Zuko's golden eyes blinked. His nephew pulled himself up further and rested his chin on the edge of the bed. The look on Zuko's face was the boy's usual smile. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Iroh shook his head. Despite his grief, he still found the situation amusing.

The child blinked back the sleep which lingered in his eyes before his eyes widened. "U... General I..."

"It's just the two of us Zuko."

"Is Lu Ten..." Zuko closed his eyes and lowered his head. "Is he really..."

Iroh felt his jaw drop. He felt a pang of guilt for being so lost in his grief that he'd not thought of the effect his son's death would have on his nephew. A memory flickered through his head of Lu Ten standing tall with his arms crossed while he listened to Zuko chattered amicably but look up at him with such admiration. Iroh never remembered Ozai ever looking at him like that, yet the memory felt painful.

Taking a deep breath, Iroh let the fire in the palm of his hands travel to the lights in the room but watched Zuko look up at this action in curiosity. Despite his grief, Iroh didn't feel as if his fire was as weak as it was a few seconds ago even though it was still quite weak. With no fire in his hands, he reached out under Zuko's small arms and lifted the child up on the bed. He let his arms wrap around Zuko's small frame and felt the boy's warmth against his own.

A calloused hand touched the back of the boy's head lightly and soon Zuko was sobbing into Iroh's chest. Iroh found himself rocking the boy back and forth remember the times he'd comfort Lu Ten in a similar manner, but eventually, Zuko couldn't cry anymore. His nephew pulled away and watched Zuko attempt to wipe away the tears from his red eyes. "Seriously thought Zuko, why are you in here?"

Iroh watched Zuko's puffy eyes widened in horror but saw the boy's hands clutch the sheets so tightly that his knuckles turned white. "Gran... Fire Lord Azulon."

A sigh escaped Iroh's mouth. "That's why he answered the first question the way he did. He honestly doesn't know what he is doing in here as father hasn't told him, yet I can't place a finger on father's logic either." Iroh took a deep breath knowing full well he needed to tread carefully with his nephew as the boy had always been a sensitive child. "So, you really don't know why you're in here?"

He watched Zuko physically turn and pull his knees up to his chest, but the child muttered into his knees. "It doesn't make sense."

"What doesn't make sense?" Iroh reached out to touch Zuko's shoulder in a comforting manner, at it was obvious something was bothering the boy.

"Azula said..."

Iroh felt a twinge of anger knowing full well his niece enjoyed tormenting her older brother. His calloused hands reached out and grabbed Zuko's shoulders and turned the boy which in turn made a sharp gasp escape the child. "Zuko, what did Azula..." He watched his nephew shake his head in panic but felt him start to pull away. "...say."

Zuko shook his head even more fervently and tried pulling away. Instead of letting the boy do so Iroh pulled the boy into his lap and sat the child down while rubbing Zuko's back. Iroh kept making comforting sounds as the small child shook in his arms. Whatever Azula said greatly frightened his nephew.

"Zuko, you're safe. You can tell me anything. What did Azula say?"

"She said..." Zuko's voice strained and his face scrunched up. "She said father was going to kill me?"

Iroh closed his eyes and held the child tighter. What Azula said was definitely cruel. Iroh took a deep breath and let it out over the top of Zuko's head. "Zuko, you know your sister lies. A lot."

Zuko pulled his legs in tighter, but his small head shook indicating he didn't think she was lying. "No. Fire Lord Azulon said father would have to kill me."

"Zuko, I doubt your grandfather would..."

"I'm useless. I can't Firebend properly."

"You..." Iroh's eyes opened up. "I won't let anything happen to you."

"Fire Lord Azulon's orders are absolute. Nobody can get him to change his mind."

"Oh?" Iroh let himself smile for the child's sake but used a calloused finger on Zuko's chin to lift the boy's head up so Zuko would look him in the eye. "What? You don't think The Dragon of the West can't change the mind of one Fire Lord? Do you underestimate me, nephew?"

He watched Zuko's facial features calm, but the look in the boy's eyes was pure admiration. The next thing Iroh knew the child was wrapping his arms around Iroh's waist, but he felt the child's heartbeat calm. Zuko buried his face into Iroh's chest. "I love you, Uncle Iroh. Lu Ten as well."

"I know. Why don't the two of us get some sleep here until morning comes? You can tell this old man..."

"You're not old!"

Iroh watched Zuko pull away and look at him with golden eyes filled with honesty. Zuko honestly thought he wasn't old and Iroh couldn't help but smile. "Still, tell me some of the memories of Lu Ten. It will do me some good."

He lay down on the bed with his nephew near him. "Lu Ten was going to teach me the tsungi horn. Did you know that it is a good way to practice breath control?"

"No, I did not." A memory flickered through Iroh's mind of teaching Lu Ten how to play for that very reason.