Shadows Into Light

Pain

I dislocated my elbow

when I was four,

I screamed and screamed

until my dad and the doctor jammed my elbow

into the wall, pushing it back.

I watched friends move away,

best friends from school

from kindergarten to second grade.

I was hit by a plastic pipe on my lip

when I was seven

and I had to get seven stitches.

I have been bullied,

more than once,

watching my friends turn their backs on me

leaving me alone and hurt.

I have been sexually harassed

and wanted to peel my skin off

to get away from their eyes.

I have had the stomach flu,

unable to move as I continue

to hurl my guts into a bucket.

I have watched crushes

choose my friend over me

leaving me heartbroken.

I have worn new shoes

and scrapped all the skin off the back of my heels,

leaving a dried stains of blood

and the inability to walk for weeks.

I watched my friends go to Symphonic band

a year before me,

leaving me alone in the lower band, longing.

I have smashed my leg

accidentally on the side of my bed,

watching the bruise blossom.

I have had poison ivy,

more than once,

having an itchy red rash

all over my body.

I have watched

my grandfather, cousin, uncle and dog

slowly wither away from their diseases

which ate them from inside.

I have had my dreams ripped from underneath me,

when I wasn't accepted

into the college that I wanted to go to.

I have suffered a year of going to the wrong college,

the feeling of not belonging

was suffocating.

I have suffered many bouts of

depressive episodes

leaving me crying in the dark,

alone with my self-harming thoughts.

I have suffered from having anxiety everyday,

waking up to a heartbeat of 142 bpm

and unable to breathe.

I have suffered from heart palpitations

and stomach pains

preventing me from joining activities.

I had friends turn their backs on me,

calling me manipulative,

and it wasn't the first time that word has been used on me.

With all of this said,

I know pain.

Yet,

you have caused me more pain

then everything combined.