Mine? Yours.

Chapter 5

I woke up with an enormous headache, on the sofa in the living room. A couple of years ago I could have never pictured myself sleeping on that sofa, but here I am. The only thing I was absolutely sure of was that I needed to get my shit together, the way I was acting wasn't doing anyone any good. I was mad at myself. I got up, got a shower and got dressed. I knew I needed to apologize to Jess, he didn't deserve the way I treated him, he was nothing but kind and carring towards me. He was someone I should have cherished and be thankful for, instead, I was a piece of shit to him. I drank the very last sip of my coffee, which I have been drinking for an hour now, probably unknowingly trying to give myself more time to think of things I should say. Going back to memory lane was forbidden, talking about my current love and life situation was forbidden, mentioning the chances none of us took was forbidden. But something had to be said, Jess and I, knew very well where not speaking got us the last time and none of us wanted to repeat that part of our history.

I was delaying everything. I have never brushed my teeth this thoroughly. I was ready, this will work. I took a deep breath and pushed the front door open only to see him already standing there. Holding a cup of coffee out for me. The word „sorry" was written all over his face and unsure of what any of us should say we stood there in silence for a while. Finally, he spoke „I'm sorry Rory, I shouldn't have acted that way yesterday, I was-" I interrupted him quickly „let's go eat." I said and walked next to him to my car. He followed and we made our way to a beautiful little café not so far away.

We avoided the topic completely. We talked like nothing has happened. He was trying to get me to drink decaf and like always, giving up very quickly. We talked about my baby and how I was starting to show a little bit. Laughing and talking to Jess felt like the most natural thing in the world. We had so many things in common but also, so many things that differed. I was eating my pancake when I heard a very familiar voice getting louder each second. „Rory darling, so nice to see you!" Honor's voice was as cheerful as always, I stood up to hug her and she gladly accepted my hug. „You look so wonderful!" While taking a good look at me, she raised an eyebrow, almost as if she could tell something was different about me.

Not allowing her to analyze anymore I introduced her to Jess. It obviously didn't take him long to understand who she was. Honor's smile slightly faded seeing Jess place a hand around me. The last thing I wanted was for her to report to him that I was dating Jess, but moving away from him could only create more drama and we have just returned back to a healthy road. Honor asked me about work, I mentioned my book, she showed her excitement. As a loving mother she spoke highly of her three children, she was a beautiful role model for them, parenting suited her very well.

„I would really like to take you out for lunch sometime Rory!" She said, giving me a warm, friendly smile. After I nodded, she said her goodbyes to Jess and me, picked up the coffee she has ordered and walked out of the door. Jess made a stupid comment about how she was a typical soccer mom, which made me angrily roll my eyes. To him, everyone who grew up with money was spoiled and didn't know shit about life, which, considering I come from a wealthy family made me sad as well.

He drove me back home where I told him I needed some alone time. I needed more time to write, more time to clear my head but my thoughts weren't in the right place. Often I would end up walking around grandpas room, having so much on my mind but not being able to sort it out. Everything I would write would end up with Logan. So many things were left that didn't give me the peace I needed. After hours of pacing back and forth, I pulled out a piece of paper and started writing, after filling the pages with the most intimate pieces of my mind I have realized that I was holding a love letter in my hands. It wasn't my best work but it surely was my most honest one. Thoughts, feelings, suggestions, and regrets filled the off white colored paper and as if my hands had a mind of their own, the letter soon met its envelope and after my signature, I wrote his address in London.

I loved books. If you would ever ask me what the one superpower I wish I had was, I would answer „the ability to read minds." Reading books was the closest thing we humans had to reading minds and writing this book felt like taking my clothes off in the town's gazebo. It wasn't published, yet, it felt like everyone had a free accesses to my mind. This book wasn't just an autobiography filled with details of my life with my mother, it was my perception of reality. It was the way I saw things and I rarely deleted anything I wrote, words were just coming out themselves and my feelings were unstoppable.

I fell asleep thinking about all of the things I wrote into that letter for Logan. It was difficult to rewind some memories that we shared together. I kept all of them in a special, locked part of my heart and rarely went there, knowing very well that they only made me bitter.

The next morning I woke up and walked to the kitchen with my blanket around me. I saw the letter as I passed to the kitchen, took another good look at it and decided to put the letter away instead of sending it. This would only create unnecessary confusion on his side and knowing that there is only one week left until his big day I saw it as something we should avoid and hide under the carpet.

My morning sickness got better with time, I was feeling tired most of the time and was working hard on my book. Soon it became my second baby, it felt right to tell this incredibly personal story. I rarely took a step back and analyzed all of the situations from a distance. It gave me a chance to think through everything once again, my choices, the way I acted and the chances that I missed but maybe shouldn't have.

My phone rang at a very unusual time. It was 3 AM when I saw an unknown number calling me. I answered it and heard my favorite Australian accent on the other side of the line. I couldn't help but smile hearing Finns voice, he was always my favorite friend of Logans, our friendship started with me introducing myself a total of 17 times and still going strong with him being one of the rare people in my life who really understood me without me having to explain much. He sounded very mysterious and unusually shy, all of it felt off. I kept asking him what the hell was going on. Of course, I thought of the worst possible thing that could happen. „Is he alright?" I asked and after telling me everything is okay with Logan, I calmed down. I found out from him that it was the day of Logan's bachelor night and that all of them were flying out to Las Vegas in two hours.

I was very confused as to why he was telling me this but he finished our conversation by telling me to check my emails in a few minutes. „Oh and Rory?" He asked. „Yes?" I answered. „We really miss you." I smiled and with that, he hung up. I took another sip of my coffee and only a couple of minutes later a new email notification appeared on my laptop screen. One ticket to Las Vegas for tonight. What the hell was I supposed to do on their bachelor party?

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I understand that this chapter is a short one but I promise the next one will be longer than any other I have posted before. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this story. I hope you enjoyed reading it, I surely did enjoy writing it for you.

With kindest regards,

M