strange sweet feelings (A Nigerian Gay Story)

chapter 22: Love wasn't meant to be hidden.

Victor's pov

Leaving Fred's house all I felt was heartbreak, this feeling what does it mean, am I making a wrong decision, was itoro right, he didn't really say who I was making a mistake with spending the rest of my life, but why do I feel like leaving fred and going to Efe entails making a great mistake.

I felt so bitter as I entered my car and drove home, I couldn't concentrate, fred clearly looked like he truly felt something for me, but Efe, Efe came when fred left, when I was alone, I didn't want to love again, I decided I would have nothing to do with a guy anymore if at all I decided to love. I spent countless of night crying and missing fred, I spent months waiting for his calls, even after I and Efe had started dating it still took me a year to delete all I had of him, it wasn't easy but Efe was with me all through and he understood.

I wasn't in love with Efe when I decided to date him, it was 3months after I had broken up with Fred, but he promised me, he told me he would love me, and that I would be accepted by his mother and I would be loved, we would be together without being ashamed of one another, he showed me that love wasn't meant to be hidden irrespective of who you're with.

Fred didn't show me all that, but he loved me deeply, when we were alone he showed me a kind of love that even Efe couldn't show towards me, he told me how I meant to him, he comforted me when I was sad and he loved me even with all my insecurities, he knew me well enough to know when little and irrelevant things were bothering me, he was all I'll ever ask for, but he was ashamed of me, he was ashamed to hold me when walking in front of people, he introduce me as a best friend and when we hung out with other people he would laugh when they told him how girls would be all sour with all of the activities he has engaged in with them which he never had, and he would laugh and agree and even make up stories that weren't true just to belong and because he was ashamed of what he was and what I was to him.

He would go as far as criticizing lgbtq community whenever our friends were saying shits about same sex relationship, and everytime I keep on asking myself, do I really want to be with such person?, Do I want to risk all for someone that was ashamed of me?, Someone that would prefer keeping our relationship private forever?, I've known fred for long, he wants to be with me but at the same time he's afraid, he's bothered about what people would say, he feels people's opinions matters, he feels the world would turn their back on him and treat him differently.

Who cares?, I always told him, but it never sank into him, when I told itoro I was bisexual, I actually cared I didn't want him to turn his back on me and he didn't, when I told shola, she accepted me and loved me like she has never done before, and ever since then I found nothing wrong in it, when shola died I wanted that part of my life dead, because chief's experience wasn't exactly a merry one, but when I met fred, I felt fear for the first time, I felt like things would go wrong again, I felt like whatever relationship we were about to build would have great amount of thorn and less roses, but when he opened up to me and showed himself to me, I knew that we both could pull off all the thorns if we really loved each other, but once again I felt heartbroken when he chose his mum over me. I understand  where fred is coming from, not everyone had accepted him since he found out he was gay, the person he thought would understand him better, that is his mum, wasn't exactly showing acceptance after he told her what he was.

But still i can't help but be confused and sad, do I really want to let go of fred?, Do I really want to break Efe the same way I was broken?, Am i willing to choose fred?, The same fred that chose his mother over our love, if he could do that, how am I sure he wouldn't choose the opinion of the world over the love we share?.

I got home but kept thinking, all these thoughts were conflicting, I sat on my bed and did nothing, I did nothing but cry, I cried until I was numb, everything felt numb.