Two Options

A Dream and One to Seven

When he really woke up from the happy dream and found the empty bed, he threw away his blanket. He ran, pushing his bedroom's door.

He saw how Yeontan ran to him with a panicked face as if he could conclude that loud barks as cursing. He kind of hoping that yes, everything was just a dream.

Sadly, it was an empty and cold kitchen that greeted him. No windshield wiper laugh, no laughter, no familiar figures.

When he switched on the light, nobody was there. Nobody but a cold table and plain white wallpaper, no pastel wallpaper, no whipped cream.

He walked to the living room, tracing the wall with his long fingers. Imagined a kid was dragging him to the living room, raising his hand as if Yeonjun was in front of him and pulling him to walk faster.

He even tricked himself, pretending to be stumbling like when he stumbled in his dream because Yeonjun was just too impatient to bring him to the living room.

He switched on the lamp, he sat on the couch and watched the empty spot in front of him, his eldest son supposed to sit there. Yeonjun was supposed to turn on the television and babbled to distract him, but all he had was his own reflection from the television's screen.

Taehyung pretended he pulled Yeonjun, pulling the little boy to his arms and embracing him. He was insane, maybe.

"Yeonjun-ah," he talked to no one, "come here."

He smiled, he recalled how his son asked his condition and he supposed to answer, 'yes, I'm fine' but when he opened his mouth; only a broken wail came out.

He looked around, how cold and unfriendly his own house unlike the house in his dream.

When he looked down and stared at his own feet, he wondered if gods hated him so much for giving him a dream like that.

He couldn't go to Soobin's bedroom because that little baby wasn't here, he never exists in here. He only has one guest room, but pretending like that was just one from hundreds way to kill him softly.

Taehyung didn't bother to hide or muffle his cries like inside his dream, he sobbed loudly and hiccupped like a little boy; a broken man who lost his husband. The saddest sound, when you hear the crack in a person's voice when they are about to cry.

"Soobin-ah," no one

"Yeonjunnie," nobody

"Seokjin hyung"

"Honey"

"Darling"

"Baby"

"Hyung, Jin hyung, Seokjin hyung"

"Seokjin-ah"

He was jealous, Taehyung was jealous of his dream self, to Taehyung that has Seokjin beside him.

The Taehyung that could touch and kiss Seokjin, himself who could cry and bury his face to the older man's shoulders.

He was jealous to the point he loathed himself in that dream. What a luxury to be able to cuddle with his baby and his son, to be able to hear something like 'I will never leave you, no matter what' from Seokjin.

Taehyung resented himself, the other him that could be so egoist and said, 'don't leave me' to Seokjin when all he could do was just watching his beloved died before his eyes.

"Please, don't leave me alone," but the Taehyung in here couldn't say that to Seokjin's face because his husband was gone.

Even after he shouted, screamed until his throat became too dry to even speak; Seokjin left him.

He wished, he hoped, he could be together with Seokjin as fast as he could.

Yeontan came and made everything a little bit better for him after the funeral, but he would be lying if he said the suicidal thought stop.

Seokjin once said it was okay for him to love another person; but how?

Taehyung's heart died together with Seokjin, how can someone love without his heart?

Oh please enlighten him, tell him how; tell him how to make everything stop hurting?!

"Tae?" he sobbed when he heard someone was calling him, he looked to the door and saw Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jungkook. He forgot they were sleeping in here because of a project they need to finish yesterday.

Taehyung saw Yoongi was holding a tray with their breakfast, maybe they went to the grocery store to buy a lunch box.

Namjoon rushed to him, his friend clearly understood the reason behind his puffy eyes and wet cheeks.

"Hey," Yoongi walked to him, putting the tray on the coffee table while Jungkook went to switch on the heater in the living room, "we're here," the oldest said; right, Yoongi was the oldest after ....

"Hyung," Jungkook went to the couch where they sat, "Jimin and Hoseok are in their way," the youngest told them.

Taehyung bit his lips, blaming himself to be a crybaby in his own birthday. Namjoon embraced him tightly, his heart broke when Taehyung mumbled with a hoarse voice.

"I miss him"

No one could reply until the door front door creaked open, Jimin and Hoseok rushed in with big smiles but dropped after they saw Taehyung's crying face.

Jimin put the cake box somewhere while Hoseok already kneeling in front of him, hugging Taehyung immediately after Namjoon let him go.

Ironic how the dream was so perfect but it was all dream and the nightmare was Taehyung's reality in here.

It was too much, he wished he could be the Taehyung in his dream forever but no, this was his reality.

"Taehyung-ah, I know it's hard," Jimin whispered when he embraced his best friend, "but we're here, for you."

Taehyung nodded, closing his eyes and let his tears rolled down to his chin, maybe it would be alright because he still had his friends. He was too exhausted to even reply Jimin's words so he just nodded and leaned to his best friend for supports, everyone surrounded him but he still felt empty.

He still searches for Seokjin in the crowds, in empty fields and soaring clouds. In city lights and passing cars, on winding roads, and wishing stars every single night.

He wondered where his love could be now, for months or maybe years he hadn't said his name out loud but in small crying voices in the middle of the lonely nights.

It's been too long and Taehyung missed the moment Seokjin called his name or called him as his, maybe he learnt how to live without his husband but he still loves the older man anyhow.

One for sorrow

Two for pain

Three for a broken man

And four for a happy dream

Five for a nightmare

Six for an empty bed

And Seven for a love that never dies even when it kills you.

'When I'm not here, please; often come and visit Taetae.'

'Hug him, tell him how much all of you love him, losing me doesn't mean the world end'

'It will be hard to make that crybaby stop crying'

'I wish I can bake him a cake, kiss him and shower him with everything he needs in his birthday'

'So please'

'Do it for me; you guys'

'Thank you'

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