Drowning | ✔

9

We're sitting on the hill again with the fields behind us after we deemed the park too boring. My legs are splayed out in front of me and my arms are behind me supporting my weight. Isaac is sitting really close to me, and sometimes I can feel his eyes on me. 

The moon is setting behind us and the sun is rising in front of us. And it is beautiful. The oranges and pinks and reds all blending together to create something breathtaking. I could see the tips of the suns rays starting to peek over the horizon. The few clouds lying above us are outlined by a red-orange colour and tinted by a bit of dark blue from the moon behind us. 

Suddenly, Isaac's hand is on top of mine. I glance over at him. He's looking out towards the rising sun but there's a wide smile on his face. I close my eyes for a second, imagining him as mine then open them.

Last night, I had wished for happiness and if that meant being here in this moment with Isaac, then I had hope that it would continue to be like this for a long time. With Isaac in my life, everything's brighter, and I'm filled with something I haven't felt in a long time. 

I only hope he feels the same. What if he's just doing all this just to make me feel better about myself? What if none of this is real and it's all just an act for me? What if he's faking his feelings only to show me that I could feel again? 

My life has always been about the 'what ifs' and it doesn't seem like it's changed. I'm always wondering about the 'if's' in life and what could have happened if only I had done something differently or said something else. 

Isaac looks at me and smiles, his thumb rubbing over my hand gently. I almost cry thinking that all of this could be fake. 

He seems to read my mind and shakes his head. "This almost seems like a dream, but it's not. Everything that's happening is real, Ang. Take it all in." 

Looking around, I easily spot the rising sun and the brilliant colours that accompany it. I immediately spot the rolling clouds. I listen to the distant whistles of a songbird. 

And then I look at Isaac, and I spot pain. Hurt. Confusion. Loss.

What's he thinking about right now? What does he think when he looks at me? Who does he see?

I tilt my head at him, giving him a questioning look.

Isaac sighs. "I was different, Ang. I used to be someone else. A year ago, I met someone who changed me. But now, they're gone."

Gone? Like... dead-gone? Or left-him-gone?

He must've seen the confusion on my face because he gives me a small smile. "She left me for someone else. It hurt a lot especially since afterwards, she completely cut any contact with me. Barely a goodbye, even."

Ouch. 

"It still hurts."

I gently place my hand on his shoulder trying to give him a comforting look. I feel that pain, every day. What happened to me a year ago still hurts. Although having the girl leave him isn't as severe as what I had gone through, I still know that the pain of someone leaving hurts. And that it lingers for a long time. All of the memories swamping the mind and leaving someone in tears, trying to only remember the good times.

Isaac gives me a small smile, obviously seeing the pain and understanding in my eyes. 

"You get it, don't you? Someone hurt you, too."

I nod with a sad smile, remembering how it felt to be loved. Even if it was fake. It was nice to think that someone truly cared. Yet that's what hurt the most when it was all over. To know that I wasn't good enough for them. To know I wasn't the one they loved even though I loved them. To know it was all fake.