A Smile So Alluring | {кιм ѕєσкʝιи ff}✓

Who am I?

I have been through many things. Like insecurity, loneliness, self harm, and depression. I feel all alone. I feel cursed with my destiny. I'm fair and tall, I'm not really ugly, but not beautiful either, as I disguise myself. I don't know why, but I disguise myself, maybe I want to die making myself ugly. I'm a disappointment.Every night when the lights turn off, I can never sleep - I'm too busy crying. If you listen closely, you will hear a 'snap' coming from my room. I slap myself as hard as I can, repeating to myself over and over. 'You are a failure! You do not deserve this life', but what people cannot see, is that my life is not good, not perfect, not pure. My life is full of troubling pain. I see things that people will never feel, I know things that people will always ignore.

I think I'm stupid. I hate the 'thing' I am. There is so much I want to say, so much hatred in my voice. My screams are silent, my tears are nonexistent-there are so many tears that I'm drowning in them. I want to die, sink into the sea. I no longer wish I could fly. An ugly bird will be shot down, not good enough for the pretty blue sky.

I work hard to make up for my stupidity, they tell me, I must work harder. And so I try. They tell me I'm not working hard enough. I overheat, days becoming minutes, months becoming weeks, crying into my sheets so hard that droplets could be squeezed out from the corners. I begin to come to conclusions, running my thin, long fingers through my hair. I begin to give up. I float in my sea of tears, staring up at the faraway clouds, watching the pretty birds fly. 'Someday, someday,' I used to tell myself, 'I will cry enough tears to make this sea touch the sky.' I begin to weep, little by little, pinching and punching myself, dreaming of making scars on my arms to show the world what it has done.

I'm angry and sad. I'm in pain. I need help.I'm carrying a load that no one can see.

They laugh, stare, and talk behind my back. I wish I could shoot myself in the face. Wishing I could coat me ugly, ugly face in so much blood that nobody would be able to see a thing. When I came out of my room after crying in the afternoon, my grandma asks why I was crying. I feel a twisted ache in my soul as I fake a smile, a laugh, hold back tears of overwhelming pain. 'I did not cry.' My grandma asks if something is wrong. I tell her over and over that I did not cry, that I'm fine, that I'm happy - I tell my grandma so many times that I came close to almost believing it myself,but no.

I'm tired of lying and fearing. I tell myself, 'I cannot go on much longer.' My feet slows and grows cold and muddy. But I must keep walking on this ocean of broken glass. As my feet bleed all feeling out of my toes, I wonder why I was born, so unlucky and scared, so confused. 'Why is there no tide to carry me?' 'Why do others think life is an exciting roller coaster?' I see people judging me, based on looks, based on intelligence. I hate standing next to others. I'm the ugly duckling who will never become a swan, for I do not deserve such beauty.

I slap myself hard enough to pass out. I don't know it when I wake up, but if someone was there by my side, they would have seen tears slip out in my sleep. My dreams are nightmares, my thoughts are weeping. All of you who judged and teased, all of you who laughed and whispered, all you idiots who. Cannot. Understand. Open your eyes that you thought were open, keep your mouth closed and swallow your twisted words! Hear the cries that you will never hear! Take my hand and feel all my fear! Listen! Listen to the 'snap' at night and patter of teardrops common as rain! Know that you are ignorant and cruel to me, you jeer at here! I know. I know that no one understands, and never will. I know that I'm alone..

The girl wants to be heard. The girl wants to find people like her. The girl wants to be seen, and not be something to stare at and snicker! The girl wants to be known. The girl wants her story to be told, and tears from others to help lift her into the sky. The girl wants her pain to be understood. And this girl, is me.

I ask and plead. 'Look what you have done to me.' 'Look what the world has done to us!' My story is only starting to be told. My words are only starting to be heard. There are more like me, I know it. I believe that this pain is hidden in many. I do not want to hide anymore. I do not want these hidden fears to be shoved under the rug anymore.

All I want is to be in that beautiful sky...

Just how many tears will I need, for this ugly little duckling to reach it?

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My own feelings r portrayed here

나만의 감정은 여기서 묘사된다.

[Edited, No error]