Why Gen Z Kids will fix the world- or at least help people know why it's broken

Hear Me Out

Soon I'm supposed to get an appointment to get a shitton of meds for my mental health so hopefully I'll start making more motivational, meaningful, hopeful stuff soon. But for now I want to make another depression chapter

I'm sorry in advance, I'm not looking for support or love or anything, It's just at this point this is like a diary to me and right now I need to get it out.

A few weeks ago, I finally got up the courage to start talking to my aunt. Now I didn't plan on saying much more than "Yeah I'm pretty depressed and I need to see my friend," but that doesn't always work

I basically ended up holding back tears cause I despise crying with a passion because I grew up being told not to and that I shouldn't and that it's for weak people. So I don't cry (actually cry cry) often.

I managed to say that I didn't wanna keep going anymore and that I know I'm going to hell and I'm okay with it and, well, She said we need to talk to my counselor about this.

So a few days later I did. I went in, and my counselor found out this new information because I didn't let anyone know how bad my depression really was. She then called me out on how I change the topic from me to other people and my siblings because she said I care about them more than me because I had to parent them and I had to be the sister mom and dad to them and that I don't have to do that anymore and that I can finally focus on me but I just can't drop that because that's the only thing I'm doing worth my life ya know?

She said I had one of the worst cases of depression you can get. That if I didn't get on antidepressants within the next few months, I was gonna really go down a horrible path and that she would have to send me to the hospital (which I googled, it means no phone, clothes of your own, jewelry, etc. I use my phone to do this, I wear a charm that my friend gave me on my wrist, it just sounds horrific having it taken).

I'm holding on for 5 people right now. Three of them my siblings, one of my siblings who would probably rather me dead so she has an excuse to kill herself, and two friends who I am very close to. Everything in this world and I'm holding on for those people alone.

My aunt said that it's scary cause she didn't even know I was depressed/had all sorts of mental crap. I guess this proves how ignorant she is because I shared a hotel room with her, my uncle, and my cousin once and had a panic attack and they didn't see it. Maybe I was just quiet about it, it was dark after all. Maybe it's cause I hide the journal where I beg for someone to get me help because I can't live anymore. Maybe it's because I only break at night and maybe it's because she thinks teenagers are naturally lazy and always in bed and on their phones. Or how I've always worn the same cheap stuff, hating it when they spend money on me. Maybe they think that's just my teen phase. Maybe it's cause I don't mention when I feel like this, like I'm being swallowed by depression. Maybe it's cause I don't comment on how they're replacing my mom. Maybe it's just because they think their "you're getting better at being normal" and "you're doing good" comments help me want to live even if they really don't. Maybe I'm just too good at hiding it. Given I've hidden stuff for years, I'd be disappointed if I wasn't. I'd also probably be dead given the situation I lived in.

Too bad my uncle doesn't want me to get any medicine. He's the person who thinks I'll grow out of this.

I tell myself I don't deserve food, a bed, these clothes, everything. I certainly don't deserve my readers.

I don't know if even antidepressants can change that.

I'm sorry for this. I don't know what I'm doing. I might go mute after I present this poetry slam thing. At least during the summer I don't have a reason to speak... but I also need to see my friend and the only way to do that is to ask.

I guess I've taken enough of your time with this, thanks for sticking with me.