How Did I Ever Love You?

Chapter 13: I Thought I Mattered To You

Still kinda bad...

England's pov

I... Didn't really know what to say... All this time, I thought even if France didn't love me, he still cared about me. I felt like my heart was hardly being held to together, but I still managed to get a reply out.

"Oh, well... Yeah, I didn't think you would!" I made sure to laugh and make it seem like I didn't care, but France kept going and made it worse...

"Yeah I didn't really feel like it. I have told you I don't really care about people's feeling right? Haha! It's just kinda annoying to me." as he talked, I barley listened, but heard enough to where I instantly lost all feelings for him, good and bad. It's just feels like nothing now.

"Mmm... yes, I think you have..." I muttered, still trying to keep my composer. Only then when I realized how stupid I was, and thought how I should think before I do things. France had always been the one to beg for help with something, treat the other person horribly, and still expect them to care. We waved goodbye to each other, but though he walked out of the room, I stayed behind for a second. I was trying so hard to hold back tears, and my throat felt tight. I was the only one left in the room, but I still knew that I couldn't cry my heart out there. Instead, I packed my stuff quicker than I had ever before I rushed down the hallways, luckily not making a scene. I had to wait for my bus in the cafeteria, so I sat down while a thousand thoughts raced through my head. I still didn't feel perfect from being sick a few days prior, so it didn't help my suffering. I let my head fall in my arms and was about to start sobbing.

"You're an idiot! this is all your fault! Just slit your wrists already! Shoot yourself, overdose, jump off a building, anything!! Just get rid of yourself so nobody has to be bothered with you. Worthless, weak, pathetic. A waste of space, time, money, and air... Just. Stop. Breathing..."   I didn't want to think thee things, but I did anyway. I began to grip my neck until I felt like I was choking, though I stopped when I heard someone sit down across from me. I looked up to see Japan, poking me trying to get my attention. I smiled and said hi. He must've noticed the state I was in and asked if something was wrong. I answers back saying I was just tired.

"Are you gonna be riding the bus today?" he asked sweetly.

"Yeah, are you?" he nodded, which made me kinda happy. Japan took gymnastics, and sometimes he would ride the same bus as me to get dropped off at the place where it did it, or something I don't know the details. All I cared about was the fact that I at least had one person I knew riding with me. I didn't really know anybody else, so I would just sit alone and stare out the window, occasionally have conversations if somebody tried to talk with me. I don't think I had ever put on more of an act, I felt crushed, confused, and overall just heartbroken. I truly thought France was always gonna be there to listen to me, I thought that if I helped him MAYBE he would help me... It's stupid now that I think about it, but I didn't feel like having my dumb problems getting in the way of anything right now. So I acted as normal as normal felt, and faked virtually everything. Japan didn't seem to notice anything off with me, which I'm grateful for, but for the time being... I only had one thing on my mind... I had to feel pain, now...