My Journal. (Jalbert)

13

Saturday 2:02 am

I need to do this. I need to do it now. There's nothing left. All I need to do is take those pills and gulp them down. One by one they'll dissolve into my stomach acid till they can't anymore. I'll foam at the mouth and twitch. I'll sweat and want to vomit it out from my system. I'll cry and ask myself "why?" and wish it hadn't come to this point.

I'll think about all the people I love.

Albert.

Russo.

Lana.

Ally.

Mom.

Dad.

I keep fucking up my whole life. I keep screwing things up some how. I dont even know how I manage to do it. I have so many reasons to just die already. I'm just sitting here, crying, and writing down all my thoughts.

What will people think of me?

Albert called me a coward already, maybe that's all I'll ever be to him?

I can easily just do it now. Everyones asleep. There are pills in the bathroom and a tub for when the process begins. I have to do it. I have to. I want to. I need to.

What about everything else though. No more movies, games, no more anything. What am I going to do? I'll be dead, what do I care.

I'm being so selfish right now. Actually, no I'm not.

Everyone is always like "oh no don't do it you'll make me sad" but what about me?

I'm sad? No ones cared to take the hint? No ones bothered to ask me how I'm feeling? So why should I care about you all of a sudden huh? What about me? I'm just as valid as anyone else.

I'm not valid. I'm less than valid. I don't deserve anything.

I'm sorry but I need to do this, I don't care how many times I've tried doing this in the past.

I want to do it. I just can't take it anymore. No more of this. I can't keep putting myself through this. Living life is just a whole new standard of self harm. Putting yourself through constant pain just to make others happy. Why does anybody do it really?

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm fucking done.