The Great Forever

23:30

I dreamed about you again last night, it was the moment when you told me you loved me. You held me so tight that night, controlling my demons for the first time in ages, opening my blurred eyes for me with your kisses and showed me what true happiness felt like. For all the times that I pushed you away, I let you see right through me.

"Life doesn't work that way Kea," I grabbed you by the arms and looked you in the eyes, I was scared of myself, horrified with what I was becoming."What will it take for you to understand that I'm fucked up in the head?"

I cried in front of you that day and it was then that I knew you understood that I wasn't afraid of the police or prison, not even death. I was afraid of myself, afraid of what I would do next. When my body started to shake you held me in your arms as though I was delicate porcelain and promised me that you would stop me from myself. But you and I both knew how this would end.

Maybe it was the way that you kissed me that night in front of my house that I believed that you would actually be able to save me.

But lost souls don't get saved, they wither and die in their own filth, crumbling into themselves for the whole world to see what darkness really looked like.

"I never thought I would be able to admit it but for all the shit that you give me, I don't know what I would do without you. Kiss me please, take the pain away — hold me." Kissing away my salty tears on the grey cement stairs the rain began to pour and reflecting our love back to us.

Our love was chaos it was toxic, but it was also kind and sweet so powerful that not even a word in the dictionary could explain it. I never believed that I could capture a glimpse at heaven but with you I did. I held the heavens and universe, while you held an empty corpse as though it was a star.

I wish you would tell me those three little words again ever so lightly from your plump delectable lips as death smothered me in its embrace.

"I love you, please don't hide from me. I love you and I won't ever stop loving you."

Hating myself was easier than admitting to you that I loved you, but when you whispered in my ear confessing me, accepting all of me with those three little words I knew that I couldn't lie anymore. And to think that because of me you and our love is gone has rid me from wanting anything to deal with a happy ending.

I wish I had never met you so that you wouldn't have confused hell for a home where our love burned to ashes.

What I would do to have a few more fleeting hours to touch you, hug you, love you. Turning my head I look at the rectangular clock on the wooden desk and wait till the sun was rising so that I could be just a little bit closer to you.