Meaningful Mistakes

Chapter Forty One

I let go of Hunter and walk to my back so I can pull out the two envelopes. We sit on my bed, sprawling ourselves in the middle.

"I thought you wouldn't want to bother reading them." The assumption is correct, but I know I won't be able to sleep without having a glimpse at the words.

"I don't." A heavy sigh leaves my lips. "There might be something in here that I don't want to hear, but I should at least hear what she has to say."

Hunter offers a smile and places a hand on my thigh. "Well, go on then. Open it up."

Digging my fingernail under the lip of the envelope and ripping the first letter open is something I hadn't imagined myself doing. Like Hunter assumed, I would've tossed them away.

"Lolita," I decide to read the letter aloud. "I wasn't sure how I could ever explain to such a young child my situation. Maybe when you're older you will understand. Leaving you and your father wasn't a decision I spent months on planning, it was a choice I made in the moment. I wasn't happy. I was raised in a very different household and structure than the one your father wanted us to have. I began missing the adrenaline and freer lifestyle where I never was made to be perfect. I couldn't stay committed anymore, so I left with a good friend called Levy who understood me more than your father did. This should've been the letter I left at your bedside that day. Hell, I don't know if I'll even send this. If I have posted this, I want you to know that I didn't leave you. I have comfort knowing that one day you will understand.
Mom."

I don't understand. I do, but I don't. My hands are shaking so much that I wouldn't be able to read anything again.

All this letter has done is confirm she was having an affair and that she wanted out of a perfectly fine life. She was the one who ruined things. Ruined me, then my relationship with dad because her departure ruined him too.

I begin to see that I'd gotten my ability to lie and hide things from her. So easily she placed a veil over who she really was and wanted to be. My mother acted as if everything was okay and that she enjoyed being with us.

All those good memories are corrupted now.

"It's all fucking bullshit!" I throw the paper away and my fingers grip the roots of my hair to pull it. The pain soothes my headache. "She left us cause she wanted to be some rebel who couldn't be scolded by dad!"

"Hey, hey," Hunter eases my hands away from destroying my hair. "I know it's the hardest thing for a daughter to have her mother say something like this, but she's not a mother if she meant that. Don't do this to yourself."

I am blinded by so much rage and betray that I want to cry. Not even I meant enough for her to stay, or send this letter. She held onto it and kept the knowledge from me.

"You have your dad, William, Becky, Chuck, William's mom Janet, the cheerleading team, you also sadly have Jake," even through the fury coursing through my veins, he manages to make me laugh. "And you have me. That's what matters. Don't fret over the letter. Stay chipper, Lollipops."

"I know." I huff and try my hardest to calm. "It frustrates me that after all these years without her, she still manages to work her way back and do this. I have to lose her all over again but this time she used a knife to stab us in the back with."

Hunter moves so that his arms are around me and I'm pulled on his lap. "It will get easier. It will always get worse before it gets better, and this is the worst of it. Soon, it won't be much of a bother. But for now, what are you going to do with that one?" He points to the other letter still in its envelope.

Without second thought, I pick it up and tear it straight down the middle. Her words mean nothing to me anymore.