Spy School: We Meet Again

Chapter 5: The explanation of everything and nothing

Ben's POV

I can't believe that Erica is sitting in front of me right now. I thought I will never see her again. Wait what should I tell her? I can't tell her the truth. That was the deal... otherwise...

"Ben! Why did you just disappear? Without a word to any of us?" Erica was running out of patience and I could see that. I have never seen her like this before. Years ago she was so cold and distant, but now I could see a lot of emotions in her eyes. Those eyes... how I have missed them. The beautiful ice blue color that they are...

"Damn it, Ben! Talk! Say something!" She yelled, but I didn't know what to tell her. "For 6 years you have been gone, for 6 years I haven't heard a word from you, for 6 years I have missed you and now that I have finally found you, you just sit there with your mouth shut, not telling me anything!"

"I'm sorry" was all I was able to tell her.

"That is all you have to say to me?!" She stood up and walked back and forth in the room. I haven't seen her like this before. Erica Hale was panicking.

All I was able to do was stand up. Without thinking I grabbed and hugged her. I could feel that Erica tensed up, but then she relaxed and hugged me back. To my astonishment, she started to cry.

In these 6 years away from being a spy, the hardest part wasn't the fact that I was not a spy anymore, wasn't the fact that I was not able to go on missions, but the fact that I had to live the rest of my life without seeing Erica. What can I say, I care about her.

"I hate you."

"I know." Was all I could say to her back because that was all I was allowed to.

"Did all of us really mean nothing to you, that you were just able to leave without an explanation or at least a note?"

"Of course not! All of you were my friends, my best friends... but I could not stay." I already said too much.

"Why?" For the first time since our embrace, she looked up at me. Her eyes were red from crying and I could see that the only emotion in them now was confusion.

"All I can say is that..." I started to question my choice of telling her this "is that some things happened in that mission that resulted in my disappearing. And that's all I'm allowed to say. Actually, I have already told you more than I was allowed to."

A second later I could see her turning into her old self. The Ice Queen I knew at Spy School. She quickly stepped away and just looked at me with a blank expression.

"You don't quite understand what you did, do you?" She said "After you disappeared, all of us were looking for you everywhere. And, for the love of god, we could not find you. Every single one of your friends slowly turned in to the same person that I was. The cold, distant person you know me to be. The Ice Queen. All of the teachers in the Academy also seemed to miss you. Nothing was the same anymore. 6 years have gone by, without a word from you and you think I will be ok and I will understand what you did, with just an I'm sorry and a half an answer about why you left?!"

"I'm not the same person I was before. Erica, do you think I wanted to leave? I didn't, but I had to. It was the only way."

"Do you think I'm the same I was before?" She looked at me, with still the same blank expression she had on before.

"Look, I know I will never be forgiven for what I did..."

"You maybe will, if you will tell me what happened at that mission. What resulted in you running away."

I looked at her and I didn't know what to do. My life is so messed up, the person that I am now is just a character I am playing because I don't feel safe being anyone else around normal people. I know things that other people don't. I was used to keeping secrets while I was in spy school, but know it's so much harder to keep them if you don't have a real reason to. Just the one- not to die, but that too is becoming not a real reason, because the things that meant something in your life, are gone.

"Want to go on a walk and talk?" I looked at Erica and smiled. Even tho she is angry at me, I am still happy to see her and just like before, she still looks as beautiful as ever.

And finally she broke out of her Ice Queen self and I could see some emotion behind her eyes.

"Did you forget that outside you still have to continue your workday?"

"Oh, that is no problem. Our boss is nice and because, as you heard, I am their favorite barmen, I will be able to get away from work earlier." I swear I hear Erica giggle. "Is that okay with you?" I asked again.

"I suppose. I still want to know what you have done over these past few years, so I won't let you get away so easily." She answered.