Welcome back, ladies and gentle-lads, to the Vytal Festival Tournament, where we are about to determine who will grasp the final spot in the pot for the quarter finals, which- as I'm sure you already know, but I'm contractually obliged to mention at least three times per broadcast- is the doubles round, where each surviving team will nominate two members to represent them. Think of it as a Patchian election before 1832.
And, without in any way furthering the already present ado, let me introduce to you the first team vying for that last spot in the final. Entering to Cyndi Lauper's 80s bop-slash-anthem True Colours, and led by the Karma Chameleon herself, Wisteria Amitola, Team WANK are here in the arena. Wisteria wields the Rainbow, a classic longbow that can also become a whip, whilst Ash Kindling comes into battle with the Firestarter, a dust-enabled mallet- it's small but incredibly powerful. Then Nash Chartreuse is also here, with the Nash Bash, a pair of shoulder-mounted sub-machine guns that can change into a single battering ram if needed; Nash is joined by Kobi Cha with the Kobi Earthquake, a Roman gladius that can switch to a sawn-off shotgun if you bring in the sheath. Atlas are here, but to face who?
MY GOD! If that isn't- IT IS! That's I'm The One from the RWBY soundtrack, and it can only mean one thing, ladies and gents! Team CMEN is here! Cinder "Pride Before A" Fall, Mercury "Poisoning" Black, Emerald "That Green Bakunyuu" Sustrai, and Neo, of course. Cinder wields a glass-blown blade-bow known as the Dying Ember, as Mercury and Emerald stand behind her, respectively armed with a pair of metal legs and Doc Martens and a gun-metal contraption comprising both military revolvers and sickles. Neo is covering her face demurely like a cheap 1920's prostitute with an innocent-looking umbrella, but it is also a shield, estoc, and sword all in one. This could be an absolute blood bath. I mean, I highkey stan the CMEN gang, but WANK- they're just kids! What is our CEO, Silber Schnee, thinking right now?
At least Mr. Schnee has sent in an experience referee to handle this one, as Vale's own 68-year-old Neil Hateley steps up to the plate to handle the final proceedings of the first round. And on the sounding of the now-rather-annoying Valish battle horn, we will begin this rollercoaster's final ride through two new biomes of "public park" and a pond- complete with a family of rather disoriented-looking ducks, to finally flesh out the bracket for the doubles round.
And our teams are off, as- for quite possibly the first time in this tournament- two united forces of four charge toward each other, and we have contact! And from the first meeting, all four members of WANK shoot off into their own biome, but it's worth noting that Nash flies off the furthest after hitting the sweet spot of Mercury's boot, ending up atop a shrub in their biome, the public park. Wisteria, after meeting a parasol-shaped fate at the hands of Neo, is possibly the unluckiest, as she flies with her legs apart into the side of the swing set. Luckily for her, her outfit is relatively protective of the ol' doner kebab, so she just about stays above 50% aura. As Kobi Cha slowly gets up, Cinder is stood above him, ready to strike like the coiled-up cobra.
And strike she does! Not even with a weapon, but with a gloriously loud backhand that echoes throughout the arena like a gunshot. Talking of gunshots, Nash manages to just about keep Mercury's attempts at a Coup De Grâce stomp at bay with a quick blast of shotgun fire to the chest, as Black hits the shrubbery and Nash rolls away. Somewhat unfortunately for Mercury, however, one of his legs flies off and hits Wisteria at amazing speed in the head and- oh my god. Parents, send the kids to bed now. I'm afraid to say it but I'm pretty sure that has broken the neck of Wisteria Amitola. She appears to be unmoving. The medics are rushing in as- JESUS CHRIST! WHAT IN HEAVEN ABOVE?!
The shrub that a crippled Mercury lay atop of has just detonated and sent him flying across the arena. He's lucky he lands in the pond, as medics run to pull him out, as his clothes were on fire. Mercury Black very nearly got charred there. I'm afraid that he has lost the last of his aura, while somehow Wisteria kept 2%, which means that Hateley has no choice but to hand this one to Team WANK.
This is a bittersweet moment. The fans applaud Wisteria as she is carted out of here on a stretcher by those medics, as a large group of black-clad individuals run down the opposite way from the backstage area. This looks bad for Team CMEN- that's our resident bomb squad. Or, it would, if they had to be held accountable for an explosion; sadly, they don't- as a ship lands driven by a red-haired pseudo-bohemian man to cart them off to their hive. Even Mercury seemed to miraculously recover and sprint into what looks like a Mác Domhnaill Parovstelar. That means that here- in the post-detonation calm after the storm, we have only the bomb squad in the arena surrounded by probably fifty-five thousand fans if not more.
It's as we feared, they are demanding an immediate evacuation of all fans and competitors from the Amity Arena. That was quite something. To sum it up, there's a clash, the adults overpower the children, then a team captain ends up with a potentially life-threatening injury, before a bush goes full Shamima Begum on Mercury. I don't know how, none of us do. But we can only hope all will become clear before we're meant to get round two underway, in three days time. Until then, I've been Kevin Kelly. Stay safe.
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Ninjas of Love
FanfictionWhen four hunters stumble across the legendary Team RWBY in a forest, they are taken on as proteges, as the ragtag heroes attempt to bend the rules and convince Ozpin to accept the new team as students of Beacon. Sadly, as all linear stories require...
