Ninjas of Love

Match Report: NDGO vs. ABRN (Round 1, Match 5)

Commentator: Welcome back to VTV1's coverage of the Vytal Festival Tournament 2018, live from Amity Arena, Vale! In this, the final scheduled match for today's proceedings, we will see Shade Academy's own Team NDGO go head-to-head with four of Haven Academy's finest first years, Team ABRN. This, folks, is one of those matchups where I, even with my decades of expertise in this industry (I started calling this tournament in 1992, where Team FLME of Atlas beat Shade's Team RNBW in the final), cannot tell you what is going to happen. Either team could win. This could rival BECK and LOLI's new record or could go 45 minutes, 21 seconds like 2003's NGRO vs. TPAZ. We just don't know, but one thing is for sure, ladies, gents, and non-binary guests, and that is that NDGO and ABRN will put on quite a show for us.

And the first team to enter the arena for this match is Team NDGO! A thunderous amount of applause here for Shade's own idol group. These four girls are world-famous pop stars and, rumour has it, hope to represent Vacuo in the upcoming Faunavision Song Contest- hence the fan support and reworking of Prince's Purple Rain that is, trust me, playing; it's just being drowned out by the phenomenal cheers echoing around this arena. They stack up, from left to right, in the order of Nebula "Parma" Violette, Dew "Mountain Dew" Gayl, Gwen "The Other One" Darcy, and finally, Octavia "Dismemberin'" Ember. Nebula carries, in addition to a killer lesbian haircut, a weapon I like a lot. Called the Shooting Star, it consists of a crossbow which has retractable limbs that turn it into a very generic-looking longsword. Like Sage's weapon, but actually good. Take notes, Sage Ayana! Anyway, Dew Gayl wields a spear, which would be shit, save for her pun-tastic naming. I present to you the Force Nine. Moving swiftly on, Gwen fights with a set of knives that are better than Charlie Copson's in that they can also be used as melee weapons, and they have a better name; Night Of The Long Knives. And I know what you're thinking; where are they? Gwen tucks the knives in that black-and-purple armoured skirt of hers. Finally, onto Octavia Ember. Her weapon of choice is the Ember Spark, a kris with a little trigger hanging down from the handle. That activates the fire dust you can see embedded in the Spark's blade, and that leads to some fireworks.

No shortage of cheers for this quartet either! Haven Academy brings you "The Ethno-Hunters", "The Punjabi Playboys", Team ABRN- entering to Panjabi MC's Mundian To Bach Ke. They consist of four über-popular hunters- named as follows: "Captain Looks" Arslan Altan, "Anne" Bolin Hori, Reese "Greasy Reese" Chloris, and Nadir "No Nickname Needed" Shiko. Arslan will look to outdo Octavia in the "dagger-waving bird" stakes, as her dagger- known as The Arslayer- doubles up as a rope javelin. Bolin Hori has a bladed, tan staff that isn't ranged per sé, but it is long enough it could be used as a pseudo-ranged weapon. A bit like something else, ladies. Now, Reese Chloris has my favourite weapon I've ever seen in many, many years of battle-announcing. It's, get this, not only a pair of badass-looking revolvers with bayonets and a kickass black and green paint job, but also an actual working hoverboard. Reese will Marty McFly these ni-hold on, I can't say that- ninjas with the Chlorisform. And the last of these big strong bois is Nadir Shiko. He has a Scorpion Evo sub-machine gun, but that's not all. It also transforms- as so many weapons in this goddamn universe do- into a sword. That's right- the candyfloss-pink quiff that Shiko is rocking belies his true hyper-masculine edge that his trusty Fuck Your Shiko Up manages to encapsulate perfectly.

Now, everyone, I can confirm the two biomes these two teams will have to traverse and manipulate to their advantage, will be grass and stinging nettles. It's greener than a vegan convention. And the referee for this match is the only one we have who has an official nickname. He's Valish- finally a name I can pronounce- and he is the legendary "Big" John McCarthy. He won't take any nonsense from these teams, and he's making that very clear before he allows them to ready themselves for battle. And with the utterly terrifying sound of that Valish battle horn, this first-round match is underway.