Niam: What Hurts The Most

Chapter Four

4:44pm, 21st April 2012  

Liam stood at the edge as the priest started talking. His voice was an incessant clamor against the ringing inside Liam's ears. It was hard to remember who he was or what he was doing here. It was so hard to do anything at all.    

"He's back in heaven," the priest said. "He's watching over us. We're never going to truly lose him, because as long as we keep him in our hearts and minds, our thoughts and prayers, Niall will still very much be around."    

There was a long silence as they reveled in his words. Then Zayn cleared his throat, nervously pulling on the black tie over his suit. "Can we say a few things, about him, before we let it go?"      

The priest nodded kindly, stepped back and gave way to Zayn, who turned to Harry and Louis, and they immediately followed him forward. Pulled toward the rest by some silent force, Liam tagged behind, even though he had nothing to say.    

Silence was strange. At first it always felt like a refuge, an escape when reality got too difficult. But as Liam slowly pulled away from the war going on outside, he was faced with a new battle inside. His thoughts and memories ravaged him, instantly stealing the peace he'd been searching for. And suddenly silence was like a jump, from the pan to the fire, from pain to something even worse. Liam had fled from the terror of his friends' tears, of his own tears, and suddenly he found himself up to the neck in an ocean of agonizing numbness. It broke him, crushed his shoulders that were unable to carry the weight of pain.    

"Niall was someone I loved so much," Zayn said. His voice trembled slightly. "He was always there for me. Wherever he is, I just hope he knows how much he's missed, because I'm not sure he knew that when he decided to leave us. He never felt loved enough. He didn't know how much he meant, how much of an impact he made, how much he's changed in each of us. He's in a better place now, I know, but wherever it is, I hope he now has all the answers he couldn't find while he was here."    

I care too much about everyone who doesn't give a damn about me, Liam. How much longer do you think I can go on like this?  

Harry opened his mouth. When he spoke, his voice was a low rasp, distorted with the tears on his face. "Niall once told me that he wasn't important enough, and I didn't believe him. To me, he was as significant as the rest of us- and I just wish he knew. I miss him so much, everything about the little fella that feels so incomplete now. I promise that I'll never let him go, all I know is that no matter what, Niall will be remembered, loved and missed forever. I don't know how this happened, and I'll never truly understand why, but Niall was one of my best mates, I'll never forget him."    

Who's going to really miss me, Liam? When I go, it's going to be like I was never even here in the first place.    

Louis put a hand on Harry's shoulder. He faced the quiet assembly of people. "I feel like I'm crashing, like I'm falling from the sky, from that cloud nine where everything was perfect. When Niall left, the cloud just floated away and left us to fall. I still can't believe that he's really gone. I feel him everywhere I go, I hear his voice and I see him in my thoughts, and its like he's still here even though he's not. That's what hurts so much- the fact that even though I know Niall will never return, this huge part of me still keeps hoping that he will. And- it's kind of like waking up to a huge disappointment every single day when I look around and I realize that he's never going to come back, no matter how many times I tried to tell myself that he will."    

You don't get it, Liam, they're all gonna say something. But they won't mean a thing, because words are empty. Words are the right thing to say, the right thing to do, and they're going to act like they miss me. But I know they won't.