LOVE WITHOUT SLEEP

THE CHAPTER 25

My eyes wandered over to Matty nervously, somehow feeling as though George had known...although bearing in mind that he couldn't have... Matty went after him hesitantly. I stood stiffly where I stood, listening as best I could through the door to the exchanges of their voices.

"Hey...what's up with you?"

"Don't ask me now, when you could have asked me if you hadn't left."

I sighed, suddenly feeling more paranoid than ever, grabbing my phone and heading outside. I dialed Monica's number, praying she'd be awake...knowing the gaps between times. I walked as far away from the house as I could in order to feel comfortable, distancing myself from the guys...both of them. Taking a seat on the curb and pulling out a cigarette, I held the stick between my lips and rummaged through my pockets for a light.

"Hello?" Monica's voice, tired and groggy though soothing through my ears.

"Monica, hey, I have to talk to you." I said through my near closed lips, hearing the lighter rattle against the cement as I tossed it down beside me and took the greatest puff I'd taken in a long time...soothing me slowly.

"Judith, don't you realize what time it is for me? I have work in the morning and--"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry..." I cut in, my words trailing off as I watched the cars pass.

There was a silence on the other line, I could only assume she'd fallen back asleep...though at her voice reoccurred and she hadn't.

"What's going on? You sound stoned as hell." She said.

"No, I'm not...I'm just...I..." I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, pulling at it in frustration with myself.

"What?" She asked.

"Matty is attracted to me." I finally spat out.

"WHAT?!" I could hear the bed springs squeaking as Monica moved around.

"He's attracted to me." I lowered my voice.

"How do you know?" She lowered her's also, as if anyone could hear her through the phone...at times I often questioned how we became friends, or even how she'd gotten into a university with the way she was...often confused and silly like a child...

"He told me...and...what's the strangest thing is that I think I might be attracted to him back." I said carefully, "A lot has been going on and George ended up in the hospital, he's fine now but while he was gone we ended up kissing and everything..."

"What?! Judith, I can't believe you!" Monica's voice grew louder, and higher in its pitch.

"I know, it was the worst thing to do, but I couldn't help it--"

"How could you do that to me?! You know I liked him!"

"Liked him? Mon...I thought...I..."

"You thought what? That just because you're there with the both of them that they're yours? Oh you would, you get everything you want and take everything you can't have. All these years I've been sitting around watching and you're such a spoiled ass!" Monica shouted on the other end.

I sighed, shocked that she'd be so upset with me...not knowing how to handle it.. "That's not true, what the hell are you even saying? Look, if I would've known you actually had feelings for Matty I wouldn't have--"

"Yes you would have! You did it to George and you'd do it to me! And why wouldn't I have actual feelings for him?! He's all I fucking talked to you about before you left. I always ignore the shit you do because I feel sorry for you that you've just had such a..." she sighed heavily, mimicking my voice, "sad life."

I dropped my cigarette, stepping on it and squeezing it to the ground with the bottom of my shoe...imagining it was her...

"I'm sorry, your parents fucking abused you. I'm sorry, you have no fucking friends but me. I'm sorry, the only guy you've ever fucking slept with was George and you're twenty three years old...but I'm tired of letting you take everything just because I feel so bad that I make myself believe you deserve everything more than me!" She finished.

"That was cruel..." I said, my voice shaking, never having experienced her being upset with me...realizing her anger had swelled up over time and now burst right at me when I needed her most.

"You're cruel....have fun dating two people." She hung up without even saying goodbye. I stared at my phone silently, unable to move. I was stricken by her words and even more by my actions. I stood to my feet, heading back into the house and throwing my phone on the couch. Seeing George and Matty who'd clearly came to terms with one another, as they passed a joint back and forth. The sight of them made my stomach turn, and my head feel light.

I couldn't keep it up...walking around George and him not knowing...and walking around Matty, with him. knowing.

"What's the matter?" George asked.

"Nothing, why?" I asked, holding my head up to signify it so.

"You just look...nervous. Or like you've been crying." He said, turning to Matty, "doesn't she?"

Matty's eyes widened from their high, tight and glossy state, "what? No...no I dunno." He shrugged quickly.

George looked at him, confused. Straighten up, Judith. Straighten up. I repeated in my head over and over, my palms sweaty and my heart racing.

"I'm fine. I'm tired, I'm gonna...take a nap." It ached me that I couldn't tell what Monica had said to me to anyone at all, especially George. I could feel their eyes against my back and it only made things worse. I headed into the bedroom closing the door and packing my clothes. I had to leave, there was nothing else left, and no other option...imagining George if he knew what had gone on and Monica's words replaying in my head over and over again until I felt almost sick with myself.

George walked through the door, I looked up from my suitcase which I was too busy shoving everything into.

"Are you going somewhere?" He asked.

I nodded slowly, standing up straight and staring into his eyes.

"Where are you going?" He asked, his eyes trailing from me to my suitcase.

"George...I don't think think we're working out." I said.

"Working out? Everything's fine...what's changing your mind?" He asked.

I opened my mouth only to be caught by excuses swarming around my brain, at battle with the truth, "I don't deserve you." I said. "You could be dating anyone. Anyone at all. You're you."

"And you're you." He said back.

"Its not working." I shook my head.

"Why don't you just tell me what the real reason is instead of telling me this commercial shit about you not deserving me because I didn't take all this time to try and be with you again just for you to walk out that front door for a second time and leave me here wondering what the hell I did wrong." He said.

I tucked my hair behind my ear, occupying my eyes with the ground. I wondered if Matty was listening, and if he felt just as uneasy as I...

"There's someone else..."