LOVE WITHOUT SLEEP

THE CHAPTER 23

/ / M A T T Y / /

Its easy to imagine what you would do in given circumstances before they come. Though When the time actually arrives, you become numb, and you don't know if your choices and actions will be the best you've made. Therefor you do absolutely nothing at all, or too much for your and anyone else's liking. I wanted to kiss Judith at the hospital.

When I look at her, I see a woman capable of loving someone completely for who they are. Not, for who they stand for. When I met Monica, I thought she was perhaps the most attractive woman I'd ever seen...and with time of thinking, she was. Jude has a different kind of face. She scrunches her nose when she laughs and she often looks dazed and confused. Her hair covers her eyes so you can barely ever get a glimpse of them, though when you do they're bright and hold a lot of information about her.

Sometimes I wonder if George knows that...which is selfish of me, to think I'm the only one. You can know just how she feels from looking at them...if she's happy, sad, or upset. She's interesting...unlike other women, who you look at and you just want to lay them down. With Jude, you want to talk to her and get to know her thoughts...though rarely would she tell them to you. She can be quite the biggest bitch you'll ever meet if you don't take the time to understand her. I like that about her.

As the bus swayed me side to side and the road bumped at every turn, I struggled to hide the reality of what was happening...I didn't want to think of George being in the hospital, how Jude was right, about it being my fault...and how I liked his girlfriend...or whatever the hell she was to him...I was the worst friend. I was the worst man...and I could not forgive myself.

I got up on my stop, trying to hold my balance. I hated the bus and how rocky it was. I could barely listen to my own thoughts as the roads were too loud causing everything to shake. I got off down the street from the house, walking through the darkened streets. My head began to ache from all of the alcohol consumed earlier through the day. I felt around the pockets of my leather jacket as my phone rang, taking it out as I approached the door.

"How's everything?" I answered.

"Really good, George is fine.." Judith's voice came in a whisper. I sighed in utter relief, opening the front door, struggling with the keys before stepping in.

"Fucking shit, your call scared me. What's he doing?" I asked.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about...I'm in the hallway so I have to make this fast before they force me back into the waiting rooms to stay out of the way." She said.

"Alright, go on." I said, pulling my jacket off and setting it on the couch as I searched the pockets for a fag and light.

"Why did you leave?" She asked.

"What?" I asked, holding the cig between my lips and balancing the phone as I lit it.

"Matty, George thinks you left because you don't care." She said.

"Of course I do." I said, inhaling the smoke and being sent straight to a state of calmness.

"Well how would you feel if it were you and he'd left?" She asked.

I took a seat on the couch, pushing my hair out of my face and closing my eyes for a moment. "I dunno." I lied. I'd feel the same. "He had you..."

"I'm not enough, Matty." She said.

"Of course you are, why wouldn't you be? The difference between me and him is that if that were me I'd have no one there if he left except Ross and Adam, who are on their way...and maybe my parents and my little brother--"

"So that makes it okay?" She asked.

"So this makes it my fault?" I asked.

"All of this is your fault, Matty. The least you could do is be here." She said.

"I know, Judith how many fucking times do you need to tell me it's my fault? Don't you think I already feel bad enough? Don't you think I'd feel worse if anything had happened? That's why I left. I couldn't fucking bear it, on top of dealing with rejection from you in the most awkward form--"

"Oh you're so fucking selfish don't bring that shit up as an excuse--"

"It's true, you try putting yourself in my shoes for that very moment, Judith--"

"You try putting yourself in George's! I can't believe you." Her voice grew louder with every word. I hung up the phone, throwing it beside me and going to first bit of alcohol I could find, in need of further escapism...from myself and my own guilt which I felt trapped in and consumed by.

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/ / J U D I T H / /

I stepped into the house, immediately hurrying to the stereo and turning it down...as from it came blasting Michael Jackson. I turned to see a sleeping Matty sprawled out about on the couch. I rolled my eyes, then turning back to the stereo turning it completely off. I contemplated waking him or leaving him.

I sighed and went to the couch, shaking him about in hopes of him waking without me having to give him a slap or two in the face and he did. He looked around, sitting up slightly.

"What are you doing back I thought you were spending the night at the hospital or something?" He mumbled.

I took off my jacket as I headed towards the bedroom, "I was...all visitors would have to be in the waiting room during the late hours so I found there's no point...he'll be back tomorrow..."

"Aren't you going home tomorrow" He asked, sitting up.

I turned around, shrugging and shaking my head, "after all this I don't really want to leave so soon. I want to spend as much time with George as I can, but don't worry, I'll be out of the way soon."

"You're not in the way." He stood up, rubbing his face. I almost felt sorry for him, he looked tired and hung over, and still somehow managed to go on.

I looked away nervously, "well, thanks. I just thought, after that letter..."

"It probably didn't even make sense. I was drunk when I wrote that just like when I called you." He shook his head, "I'm a fucking idiot sometimes." He laughed it off. Though I knew he was truly embarrassed for the fact that he couldn't even look at me...and he always looked at me when he spoke...this time, was different.

"I'm gonna go get ready for bed...its been a long night." I said, walking backwards and studying his face before turning around and going into the bedroom. I set my jacket down, feeling odd to be in the house with only Matty.

I looked around, grabbing one of George's t-shirts to sleep in and setting it aside. I reached behind me, struggling with the button on the back of my blouse. I looked in the mirror, turning around to get a better look at it, still unable to reach it well. I sighed, staring at the door. Don't ask Matty, it will seem like you're doing this on purpose. I made attempt to squeeze the collar over my head, failing significantly.

I gave up, struggling to get it back down and opening the door slowly, "hey, can you come here for just a second?" I asked.

"Why?" He asked.

"I just need your help." I said...why? Who asks why?

As he entered the room I turned around, "can you just unbutton that for me? This blouse is super difficult I dunno why I bought it in the first place." I ranted, unable to quiet myself. He's just unbuttoning your blouse, the back of it, not even the front, its no big deal.

He brushed my hair over my shoulder, I could feel the tips of his fingers gently against the nape of my neck as he did so. I grabbed onto my hair, holding it in place as he unbuttoned the blouse.

"It's sewn really tightly..." he said quietly.

"Yeah..." I said to fill the silence.

"Maybe if you loosened it that would make it easier for you." He said.

"Yeah..." I repeated, turning around as I felt it go undone, "thank you."

He nodded, looking down at me. I looked away quickly, before soon feeling his lips planted on mine.