One Foot in Front of the Other

Part 18

{Dianne}
Joe's hand finds mine and squeezes it. Smiling, I put it back on the wheel as the traffic lights turn green.
"Where are we going?" Now it's his turn to smile,
"Somewhere special." I groan,
"You're really not going to tell me?" Not that I need to ask, I already know the answer, but he says it anyway to confirm it,
"Nope." Looking at him I see he's biting his lip, seemingly deep in thought. Then he turns to me,
"Di, about earlier..." he trails off, as though he isn't sure what to say next.
"Yes Joe?" I ask, before mentally preparing myself for the question I know he's going to ask me next, the question that even I don't know the full answer to. What is wrong with me?

{Joe}
"Earlier, well, why did you act like that? You were happy and playful one minute, then seemed, um, scared stiff, and then you were back to normal, kind of... you were still scared when I went to kiss you..." Something in my mind clicks, is it me? Do I scare her? If so then I'm not sure why. I've never done anything to hurt her, ever, and I would never. Sure, we've argued a couple of times, and shouted at each other, but everyone does and she's always given as good as she's got. There's no way she's scared of me, right? Even if she is, which I'm almost certain she isn't, then I don't see why that particular moment would have triggered it. Every time I think of it I relive it, and it pains me every single time, seeing the fear in her eyes. That's something I never want to see ever again, so I choose to resolve it right now.
"Is it me?"

{Dianne}
I sit up so fast that my seatbelt holds me back,
"What?!" Joe repeats himself calmly,
"Is it me?" Horror fills me,
"What on Earth would make you think that?!" He shrugs,
"I don't know, I just wanted to make sure it wasn't." I shook my head,
"No, it definitely wasn't your fault." Of course I want to tell Joe, it's just difficult. It's a part of my life that I've wanted to forget and move on from for so long, and because of that it hasn't affected me for years. I'm still confused and annoyed that it came back. Joe's studying me, I can feel it.
"Put your eyes on the road!!... sorry, I'm getting annoyed at you now because I can't get it out." Thoughts are flooding around my head, although I can't seem to form a sentence at all. Finally, I manage to stumble a few words out.
"It happened ages ago." Out of the corner of my eye I can see Joe trying not to ask anything. He's going to try and stay silent throughout this, I realise, which is probably a good thing.
"I was walking home from rehearsals, and out of nowhere this guy came at me." My eyes are fixed on the road ahead, and I know there's no turning back for me now. I hate opening up and leaving myself vulnerable like this. Wherever we're going better be worth it.
"He stopped me and started talking to me, and from his character and personality I decided the best way to get rid of him would be to talk to him. That'd make him happy, and he'd be happy to leave me alone, like most people are. Apparently not. We had a polite conversation and I excused myself to leave from him, a-and that's when things turned nasty." Even just thinking about it I'm rubbing my wrists.
"He grabbed me and wouldn't let me go, I hadn't even realised how strong he was until then. Before I'd even bothered to talk to him I'd sized him up, and figured that if it came to it, he'd come off worse. Turns out I was wrong about that" I laugh a little, it's a nervous laugh alright, but it's still a laugh. Shuddering at the thought of what's to come, I carry on...
"That's when he started to get closer to me. It's not even as if anything happened, but it was the look in his eyes. He'd pinned me against the wall with my hands above my head, and his body w-was pressed against mine. There was no way I was going anywhere. His eyes were wild and full of something I didn't understand, but didn't like. All I can remember is him leaning towards me, attempting to kiss my neck, my face, anywhere." I stop for a minute in an attempt to slow my breathing.
"Then Anthony showed up. He got me out of there, I can't remember how and he never told me why, but I know that if he hadn't have, then things would have turned out very differently..."

{Joe}
Guilt. That's all I feel. Guilt. Over the past few months I've joked with her many a time over her split with Anthony, and essentially spouted off everything the press had said. The only difference is that I've done it in a jokey way. I've felt slightly jealous of Anthony ever since Di and I started dancing together. Their split was kind of a relief to me at the time, which I'm horrified at now, even though I know it was a mutual decision, and they still get along. It dawns on me that I don't know how they got together in the first place. I never before realised how much of a role he'd played in her life, or what they'd gone through together. Now, when I think of Anthony, instead of getting a pang of jealousy, I get a surge of gratitude. I'm so grateful for him helping Di, I'm so grateful for him showing up when he did, I'm even grateful for their relationship, as strange as it sounds. Without it, she wouldn't be here, she wouldn't be with me, and my life could be very very different. I wouldn't want it to be any different.
"Di you know I love you don't you, and I'm sure my family is going to love you even more."