We All Grow Up

We're Supposed To Hate Our Step-Mothers

My dad and I are not close
But we are not distant either
If he were still here
I think we'd be close
But life just didn't work out that way
We have a phone call relationship
That once ended with "I love you"
"I love you more"
"Bye"
"Bye"
Sometimes I said "I love you more"
But most of the time it was him.
And this was normal,
Because I couldn't remember a time
When my parents were together.
So it didn't bother me that they were apart.
One day, he didn't say "I love you more"
He just said "I love you too."
And I'll never admit it
But it broke my heart.
Yet his heart was full,
He not only needed room for his children
But her now too.
she's lovely.
And I wanted to hate her so bad
But she's perfect
Not the snob kind of perfect
But the loyal to fault kind of perfect
The funny and smart kind of perfect
The loves you like her own kind of perfect
The outshines the sun kind of perfect
The exactly what my father deserves
Kind of perfect.
So I can't hate her.
But I do hate that sometime when she came around
Something in my father decided that
"I love you more" wasn't a standard response.
That our routine of over eleven years could just disappear
And I wouldn't notice.
I thought that maybe he was embarrassed when she heard him say it on the phone
Or maybe he thought that I would be embarrassed because I was growing up.
But never once did I think it was embarrassing.
It was comfort
It was routine
It was one piece of my father that I carried
Because he couldn't be around
Because we weren't like other divorce case kids
Who watched their father walk away
And never heard from them again
Or the kids that were just trophies
Gifted to the parent who gifted them the most
Or the kids who listened to their parents talk trash about each other in hopes of making us hate them.
No, my dad called nightly at first.
Then we started school, so calls began to space out.
Once or twice a week
Every second Christmas we saw him
Every second Easter we saw him
Maybe again for a week in the summer
Never our birthdays, he couldn't get the time off
He was always so scared I'd hate him for not being around
But for some reason I was okay
I'd miss him for sure
I'd call for him in tears after a fight with mom
Even though I knew he couldn't hear me
But I never hated him for leaving
I always understood.
"Mom and dad didn't love each other anymore. So they couldn't be together."
I don't remember asking, but my mom said I only asked it once, "would you ever marry dad again?"
She told me no,
And I just accepted it.
He had to work, and he lived far away. So he couldn't see us often.
I just accepted it.
My mom married another guy
I just accepted it. 
My dad started dating another girl
I just accepted it
Because he loved me more.
I could accept him not being around
Because he loved me more than the distance
Because he loved me more than the divorce
He loved me more than anything
And in the rational side of my brain
I know he still does
But it still breaks my heart
Every time he hangs up the phone
With "I love you too"
And not "I love you more."