Holaaa. Most of these updates have poems because I think it's easier to express myself in that format and for the recent three, I'm not even exactly sure what happened.
I don't want to overexaggerate and I'm not gonna self diagnose it, but I feel like it was an anxiety attack of sorts, caused by something so stupid. I won't exactly say what, but I'll give the general idea.
Just a photo of me posing, yes I'm an alleged teenager keep that in mind.
But as soon as I posted it, and even before, I felt my entire system just stop and start over and over again. I felt so frantic, like I couldn't breathe.
I cried, when I clearly told myself I didn't want to.
I even Googled "How to calm anxiety," and I tried following what was provided, but of course, I was blurred by the fear that surrounded me.
I was scared.
Scared of judgement, how others would react, how they would comment, how they would just look at me, like a mannequin. And I just felt insecure, because I'm not one to post whole selfies, or just photos of me without friends or me alone, or just to myself out there.
Anytime I would take a photo like that one I really liked, I just kept it to myself. I don't want to be judged, because I don't want to get hurt.
It's not hard to admit, and not that easy--it's not like I go up to strangers or nee friends and shout "Hi, please don't judge me, I'm scared of your thoughts because I'm somewhat insecure, though I prefer to not show it to keep everyone else happy and so that no one thinks bad of me, or makes fun of me because I'm a sensitive bitch hiding in a tough exterior."
I make jokes, I'm a shy person when it comes to people I don't know, and I have stage fright, which sometimes I have to get used to when people force me to do anything that relates to it.
Of course, those who commented were my friends, only positive comments so far, and it is a nice confidence boost, but it's not like I'm gonna stop fearing what I do,
because that's just human nature.
It's not like I can get over a fear, a crush, a judgment, a comment in a split second.
No, because that's not how life works, especially when you are jealous, rude, conniving and somewhat egotistic.
I tell myself, positivity, positivity, because someone else needs it, and being nice and making someone happy is enough to get me through.
I'm scared, but I don't want to let that take me over.
Not even a stupid post that gave me an anxiety* attack.
*or at least in my context, don't self diagnose if you're not sure
-Ducky, The Alleged Teenager
