Limerence

XII

"Okay, well I'm truly glad I could discuss literature with someone, Mr. Maxwell. But, I want to talk to Blake about something," As soon as she said that, I snapped my head up and ran to my mirror. There were the strange streaks of tears pasted to the side of my face, and my hair was a disheveled mess. I swiped the streaks off my cheeks and rearranged my hair as I heard her walking up the stairs to my bedroom. I could feel her standing in my doorway, and the amber smell returned. Although, this time it was real. I continued to stare at myself in the mirror, almost as if I were piercing my own soul with my green eyes. 

An eery silence filled my bedroom while each person waited for the other to say something. Finally, she spoke. 

"Blake?" I did not answer. I continued to stare at myself, and I sucked in my lips as if to remove any memory of what she was about to refer to. 

"I - I, I came to apologize. For both times, actually," I still did not speak. 

"I know I reacted unfairly, both times. I never really considered what it meant to you."

This time I spoke, "Yeah." She walked into my bedroom and sat next to me. It was now both of us analyzing our reflections in the mirror, above the glow-in-the-dark stars. The amber smell continued to permeate my room. A single tear rolled down her face, and I broke my stare so as to look at her directly in the eyes. 

"Blake, I just don't know what to do. I feel rotten, Blake. Almost as if I were sick with worry about the consequences of all of this confusion," I continued to stare into her eyes. Another tear flowed down her cheek and landed on her lap.

She collected herself and started to speak.

"Blake, don't you feel like we would be wasting what made our friendship so valuable if something were to go wrong in a relationship?" I looked at her and pushed back the painful, ever-present lump in my throat. The feeling stung. 

"Leah," I began.

"Leah, no one lives life to the fullest. That is a myth. Everyone experiences a downfall at some point, and the unlucky ones experience multiple downfalls. If everything in life were good, then life would be too easy," I watched her face for a change in emotion. A strange combination of worry, sadness, and something foreign appeared in her face. 

"Blake, I don't know if you have not already pieced together my emotions with my words, but despite how profusely I desire it, there can never exist a world in which we sacrifice our friendship for something like romance," It was now my turn to evoke the strange emotion combination on my face. Another tear rolled down her left cheek.

She continued, "You just mean too much to me for even the slightest risk."

I said nothing for a while, and neither did she. We both sat and stared at each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity. 

"I see," Was all I could come up with. This time she moved closer to me and laid her head on my shoulder, turning her stare into my mirror again. We both sat like this for a while, drowning ourselves in each other's sicknesses - my desperation, and her worry. 

We said nothing for an hour until she took a deep breath and removed her head from my shoulder. 

"Blake, you know you're going to drive me to school everyday, right?"

"I figured."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Blake? Is something wrong? You feel the same way I do, correct?"

"Yes, I do. I want to remain close friends with you for as long as I can."

"Then, what else is wrong?"

"I feel sick," I said. 

"Me too," She said. 

"Blake, I need to go home now; it's almost ten p.m."

"Okay," So, she got up to leave and hugged me closely. The amber smell intensified. As soon as she left, the smell dissipated.

I took a long shower that night, maybe to reflect the rain that was still pouring outside. It was early for when I normally fell asleep, but since I was still hungover and tired, I climbed into bed instead of staying up later. 

This was the problem about falling in love with someone whom you have known since your early childhood days. It tugged at you in every direction until it left you raw with emotion and desire. The rawness left you wanting to cry and dissipate into your own isolation, and this was Leah that was leaving me in this state. I thought about her in her house, probably reading and paying no mind to our conversation, and the feeling to weep intensified. It did not matter whether it was night or day - this feeling never showed any mercy. No matter what time of the day it was, you could not look at things differently when you were like I was then.