Through Sunshine and Rain//JHS✔️

Chapter 24//Honesty

Hana wondered how she could possibly help Hoseok. She couldn't drive it out of her mind. She spent hours thinking about him, researching alcoholism, talked it over with Jin Myung, and still, she couldn't come up with anything she thought worthwhile.

   Except for one thing.

   Hana wondered if sharing her own struggles with Hoseok would help him open up about his own. Of course, this could have a multitude of results, helping Hoseok only being one of them.
   Sharing with Hoseok could also further hurt or embitter him.

   Or it could hurt her.

   Of course, she was fearful that finding out about her past experiences and present struggles would cause Hoseok to abandon her. No matter how much she rationalized this fear, she couldn't shake the small voice that told her otherwise. She knew that it wouldn't go away until she faced it.
 
   Weighing every possible scenario she could come up with along with the costs and benefits of this decision, Hana came to a shaky resolve.

   She was going to tell Hoseok everything.

   For years she had kept that night secret from Hoseok, worried that he couldn't handle it or wouldn't care. She couldn't decide why it had been so much easier to share with Jin Myung, but it had been. She had never been able to tell Hoseok why she hadn't gone to school for two weeks after the incident, or why her parents had suddenly returned. She hadn't been able to rationalize the rise in her anxiety or her unease around every man around her. She'd seen the looks he'd shoot her every now and then, puzzlement and worry mingling in his soft, dark brown eyes. So many times she'd been on the brink of telling him why she seemed broken. The words had danced on the tip of her tongue, coaxing her mind to set them free, but she never had. 

   Years of covering this up were going to be hard to break through; Hana knew this. Already she could feel the familiar knot of anxiety forming, causing her body to tense and her stomach to cramp. She was terrified of what she'd decided to do, afraid of the unknown. After all, that was why she'd kept it from him for so long.

   However, as she messaged him and asked to meet, she tried to shake her paralyzing fear with one thought.
   For Hoseok, she would do almost anything. If sharing her pain would help him in his, then this discomfort and terror would be a small price to pay.

    After all, you had to make sacrifices for those you loved. Hana loved Hoseok, and to help him, she would give up the comforts of her protective walls.

   She reminded herself of this as she took a cab to his apartment.
   Then as she knocked on the door and waited for it to swing open. Trying to steady her nerves, she did the breathing exercises he had taught her.
   
    Complete honesty.
    That was all she could offer Hoseok.
    Hana hoped it would be enough.

******
   Hoseok looked at Hana as she stood outside his door. He recognized the familiar look of anxiety and nervousness that she wore. He was accustomed to it by now after these years of being so close to her.

   Lately, he'd become accustomed to it in a new way. She'd worn the same look every time the two of them had come face to face. Hoseok knew that he was the source of her anxiety and worry. This reality hurt him in a way he didn't know was possible. Every time they spoke, it felt as if his heart was trapped in some metal constraint, and every time he looked at her sad, downturned eyes, it grew tighter. It was less painful to just look away.
 
   However, she'd been insistent that the two of them meet today and from the tone of her voice, Hoseok knew it was urgent.
   He could always tell what was going on in her mind from the tone of her voice.
If it was soft and quiet, she was emotional
If it was overly sweet and high, she was nervous.
If it was throaty and strained, she was angry.
If it was fragmented and halting, she was anxious.
If it was too fast, she was excited.
   Hana had told him that she had some very important things she needed to tell him, and he had heard a mix of so many different tones, that he had grown alarmed.

   He had an idea of what they would discuss. It would be along the same lines of every conversation they'd had recently.
   Hana would ask Hoseok to stop.
   Hoseok would tell Hana he couldn't.
   She would beg him to let her help.
   He would push her away.
It seemed like an endless cycle the two were perpetually caught in.

   Hoseok sighed as they stood in the doorway; he didn't relish the thought of going through this again.

   Hana had walked through the door timidly after he'd gestured her inside, she'd been twisting her hands together, a nervous habit of hers. He had offered her a glass of water, which she had politely accepted. The two had then stood awkwardly in the kitchen for a few moments, neither one looking the other in the eyes. Then Jimin had walked into the kitchen and greeted Hana. She had responded in a friendly way, but once Jimin had passed out of earshot she had asked if they could talk in a more private place.

   Nodding, Hoseok had taken her to the shared office in the apartment. Jimin didn't often use it unless he was printing off a paper for his college classes, and Hoseok was certain they wouldn't be interrupted. He had sat down, and after a moment of hesitation, so had Hana.
   A few more moments of silence had passed, and Hoseok began to grow impatient. He watched as Hana continued to wring her hands, and he softened. Whatever she wasn't saying, it was causing her great anxiety. Then she squared her shoulders, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. When her eyes opened, she looked directly at Hoseok.
   Then she started talking in a calm, measured tone.

******
   She was trying to gain confidence that she wasn't sure would come as they sat in silence. Hana could tell that Hoseok was growing impatient. She was growing impatient with herself. The sooner she started, the better. So why couldn't she seem to get the words out?

   Finally, taking a deep breath, she began.

   "I never told you what the psychiatrists theorize made my anxiety grow into such a regular occurrence." Hana swallowed as Hoseok's expression grew more confused, she knew he hadn't been expecting this. "I-I never told you what happened when I went to stay with my uncle." Now Hana's hands had grown white from her constant wringing, and she couldn't stop them from shaking.  "When I was fourteen, both my parents went on business trips. I had no one to stay with except for an uncle who lived on the other side of town." Hana was speaking quickly now, her calm and measured tone was gone, but Hoseok was following every word.
   "I went, but he wasn't the uncle I remembered. He was an angry drunk and every night I could hear him rampaging through his house after he'd returned from the bar." Hana swallowed and her eyes flicked around the room, she didn't notice that Hoseok's fists were clenched, a part of him was anticipating what would come next in her story. Tears were beginning to sting her eyes, and her throat felt tight, but she continued. "I was so afraid, and I hid my face under the covers every single night until he'd quieted down."
   A lump continued to form in Hana's throat, threatening to cut her off. With a final push of effort, she continued, determined to finish. "Then one night he came into my room." Hana then explained to Hoseok what had happened that night without going into too much detail, she knew a vague picture was haunting enough. Tears had begun to spill from both their eyes as she spoke. Hers were tears of pent up fear and misplaced shame, but his tears were of anger and anguish from the words he was hearing. Once Hana had finished, she broke into sobs.
   As soon as the first sob left her, Hoseok wrapped his arms around her. He held her there as she cried; he tried to keep his own tears in check but found it nearly impossible. 
   For years Hana had kept this part of her life from Hoseok, afraid that he would push her away. She hadn't realized that he would do the opposite.

   He would never have walked away from her pain.

   Instead, he would hold her as she fought her battles.

  "You never told me." Hoseok's voice sounded small, but not accusatory. He sounded so helpless and confused. It wasn't phrased as a question, but it was one regardless. Hana knew that instinctively.
 
   "I was afraid you would leave. I was ashamed and- it hurt too much to talk about." Hana sniffed as Hoseok sat beside her now, holding a box of tissues.

   Hoseok shook his head, the tip of his nose red from crying, and then spoke, "Hana you have nothing to be ashamed of. And I would never leave you over this." Hoseok gazed at Hana as she studied the floor. Cautiously, he touched her arm, more conscious of his touch now than ever before. It didn't bother Hana though, she had always trusted Hoseok completely. "You mean too much to me for me to do that." Hana took a deep breath, a wave of relief washing over her.
   Her face was red and splotchy, her nose was stuffed-up, and her skin stung from her salt tears.
    But she was peaceful.
   She felt free.

    Hoseok hadn't run away from her pain.
    Maybe now, he would understand that she wouldn't run from his.

A/N: We're super close to the end you guys! How are ya feeling? 

Please eat well and take care of yourselves!

(Edited July 2019)

*Novi*