HAZE OF HOPELESSNESS

chapter nineteen

Yasmeen POV

Am sorry

Shush, it okay but you need to let it out, you need to talk about it with people, keeping it to yourself won't help. Baby, i know you can't stop this but you can fight through it. The sun will shine and we will thrive

Come sit here,  i said. Let me tell you the story of my life

Flashback

Mubarak, i don't think this therapy of a thing is working, she is still having the nightmares, she hardly eat nor did she use to talk to us, this girl is dying, i thought she was a blessing to this family but she is just like a curse, i heard mum voice

Please don't say that, it all a test from Allah, all we need to do is pray for her to pass it, i know it not easy for her too. Why don't we do this, let take her to aunty Maimunah place for some month, maybe a change of environment will do, yaya Mubarak said

I couldn't take it anymore so i ran to my room and locked the door. I stare at myself in the mirror but who i saw wasn't me, it was another Yasmeen who was nothing but a curse to this family

You gonna be okay, just fight a little longer okay? I said to the Yasmeen in the mirror as the blade in my hand pierce my flesh , i can feel the blood trickle, i start to go numb

Yasmeen, one day you will wake from this torture, one day you will be free but wait, what if this continues ?I mean your mum, she, she never says anything than to watch as he took away your innocence, going to school with new bruises every day

She is just like a curse

You are like a curse, i said as her word echo in my ears, cutting me deep inside, deep to the very core. I was going insane, my body begins to shake as i scream in pain

Yasmeen, Yasmeen open this door please, open it, i heard mum voice

Just go away, go away i said falling on the cold tile as i drown in tears

Yasmeen please open this door, please, i heard yaya Mubarak voice

Why should i huh? Just please go away, am a cursed child, am nothing but a cursed child i said screaming

Yasmeen, if truly am your mother, if truly i breastfeed you, open the door and that really hit hard as i stand up and open the door

Yasmeen and sorry, am so sorry please, i understand ho...

No you don't, you don't understand, no one ever will. You want me to talk about it right? Okay fine, listen, i lay in bed that night, as usual, daddy came to say goodnight just that this time he stayed longer, that night, i was hopeless, broken and naked. He was sharp as knife. That night, i broke away from happiness  and embraced tears and sadness. That night, i lost everything i had

I thought it won't happen again until i heard the footsteps coming and i knew it will be another long night. Something inside me scream this time as his words were cruel and ruthless. I sat down there scared knowing that i couldn't cry. He threw me, hit me and covered my mouth, not allowing me to make a sound. I struggle hard to release myself from his forceful grip but couldn't as he have his way

Am sorry  mum said drown in her own tears

Sorry you said mum? I wish it can change everything but no, it can't cause you make me who i am today, you thought me that as a woman, am meant to stripped off my dignity for the food to male ego of what he believes to be his merit but i want you to know one thing, when i get married and give birth to my own daughter, am going to teach my daughter that she should be strong and not afraid to break a nail, she will break the chain of social injustice that restrict her, I will let her know she has a voice, a mind and a soul which no man can control. I will let her know she is strong because she can bleed for 5 days and 4 nights and only get so much as a cramp, she will break free from the cage of gender stereotypes and oh, i will make sure i train her in such a way that when you sees her, you will be so proud of who she has become and your husband will cry in silent for taking away my innocent and ruining the life of an innocent child, just you wait and see i said in one breath