In (Trans)it |My life as Nonbinary Person

JADE-How i realized that it was okay to be the real me

The way I came to realize was trans was an extremely rough journey ( which ill explain in further updates)

But before I tell you all my story, I want to take a moment to appreciate the amazing person who taught me that it was okay to be honest with myself, appreciate and love myself for the way I am, and no matter what, she would always have my back. For privacy's sake, I'll call her Jade, a nickname for her that we decided on for a venting journal we wrote in together, a small world we had built with each other in sixth grade, with just the two of us, and where we told each other everything without fear of being seen as strange, or fear of being judged. This continued on for months to the point we became inseparable. The strength of our bond was unlike any I had ever had before, and although at first I was scared to admit it, I can wholeheartedly say that at that time, I really fell madly in love with her and wanted to have her by me for the rest of my life as dramatic as that may sound. 

As a few years went by, we grew up more, made both big and small mistakes, but nonetheless supported each other, and she helped me understand that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me for being LGBT+. She dragged me out the depths of my own depression and poor self-image and made me feel like I had a purpose, she made me want to live, just so I could be with her, even if it was just for a moment. Although we started to drift apart as the rest of the middle school years went by, she was always somewhere in the back of my mind.

In mid-eighth grade, I was fed up with the distance that had grown between us and I reached out to her. I told her of how I missed the strong connection as friends we used to have and she admitted that she missed it too. We started talking more often again, and not too much after, she had asked me to be her partner (just a little context: at the time I only barely knew what trans was and didn't know about ftm's so I used to refer to myself as non-binary/agender) I happily agreed. though the time we spent together as a couple were some of the best moments in my life, it unfortunately only lasted for a month. She wasn't in very good head space at the time and was dealing with a lot of heavy issues in her life, so for the sake of her mental health she came to me, and told me that this relationship wouldn't be able to work out. Of course, I was sad to hear this but agreed to go back to being just friends.

As the year continued, I tried to keep contact but she started to drift away a bit and got into several toxic relationships with other guys that would just make her mental state worse. this beautiful girl that I had fallen for became so insecure to the point she felt as is she needed to change herself for others to like her and broke my heart. How could someone so sweet and wonderful think of herself that way and let herself be treated badly by others when I was there for her? I just couldn't understand.

We grew apart again after that despite my efforts keep contact and I started to feel jealous and angry and a lot of relationship drama involving her ensued for most of the rest of the year. Despite all those negative feeling how ever everyday i learned more and more about myself and how to cope with it. I confronted her about my concerns and talked all the drama out. Our friendship was recovered once again and continued that way until the end of ninth grade, when she unfortunately had to move schools. As of today, I'm a bit over half-way through my tenth grade year, and due to some complications in life, I have only been in contact with/seen her a few times since she moved schools, but we're still as close as ever, and are always overjoyed to see each other when the chance arrives. Although we made a lot  of mistakes,and went through many rough patches and hardships, I wouldn't change the story of our friend ship at all, because without it , I would have never grown to accept myself for who I am, so, Jade, if for some reason you ever come to read this, i just hope you remember how much of an important friend to me you are and that you've made a greatly positive impact to my life, and for that , i couldn't thank you enough. 

Sincerely, Your friend Slate.

(more updates soon :))))