Close Your Eyes: Book Three

Chapter Twenty

She had the baby, and then after the birth we were in the hospital for a full day, two nights, and both nights we hardly slept. Then we got out in the morning after the second night and left for Iowa, where we were in the hotel where neither one of us slept. We went to the prison, and then I drove back to Nebraska and we stayed in the hotel last night, where she didn't sleep, and now we're going on the fifth night.

That means that the last time she slept, she was in the hospital with Theo, where we got like, three to four hours of sleep each night. Nurses were coming in to wake us and Theo was waking up.

She hasn't had a good nights sleep since before he was born.

That means that in the last four nights, she has slept a total of six hours.

She was supposed to sleep eight hours each night.

Part of me wants to ask her if she's afraid to sleep, but I already know the answer.

We're both quiet and I feel myself longing to pull her into my arms, but I don't do it. I don't want to push her.

After a few more seconds of us just looking at each other, she looks down at her hands.

"If I talk to everyone, they're going to ask me questions about it." Her voice is very soft and hesitant. I don't reply to her, I just keep looking at her so she knows I'm listening to her. "I-I'm not ready to talk about it yet, so...so if I don't talk, they won't talk to me."

"You don't have to talk to anybody about it," I murmur. "Not if you don't want to."

She bites her lip, and she looks hurt. She looks like she might start crying.

"Do you think I'm ill in the head too?" she whispers.

I freeze.

She heard her Mom say she was ill in the head? That was in the beginning of the conversation. She was in the shower, so how did she hear that?

"No Savvy," I murmur, sitting up. I reach for both of her hands, and she reaches for mine. I gently squeeze her soft hands and give her a sad smile. "I think you are strong, and intelligent, and enticing. I don't think you are ill headed at all, okay?" I let go of one of her hands and reach up to stroke her cheek tenderly.

She closes her eyes at my touch, but a moment later, she opens them again.

"I put Theo's baby monitor in the hallway and took the other one in the shower with me," she admits.

I can't help but laugh a little bit, shaking my head.

She smiles, and I feel my heart warm at the sight.

Beautiful. She just so...riveting.

It fades after a moment and she scoots closer to me until her bare knee is touching mine. She reaches up and runs her fingers through my hair.

"Thank you for always standing by my side." She whispers. "And thank you for not pushing me when I know you wanted to. It means a lot to me that you respect me like that."

"You're welcome," I murmur.

She yawns deeply, sighing when it fades away, and I swear that is the longest yawn I have ever seen.

She scoots closer to me, sliding her body into my lap so her face is inches from mine. Her hands rest on my cheeks and she holds my gaze for a couple of seconds, and then she leans in and kisses me very softly. I put my hand on the back of her head and kiss her back.

She moves her lips softly in sync with mine, and it's a slow, loving kiss.

After a minute or so, she pulls back to look in my eyes.

"Do you know what I wish?" she murmurs, stroking her thumb along my cheek. I tuck a lock of her beautiful blonde hair behind her ear.

"What do you wish?" I whisper.

"I wish we had our big house. I wish we had a huge, California king. I wish Theo had a really cool nursery, and we had a dog to come up to us at nighttime and just stare at us because it sleeps in our bedroom with us and it wants to go to bed. I wish we lived alone together, because sometimes it doesn't even feel like we're married even though I know we are."

Honestly, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that feels that way.

I want my wife to breastfeed our son in the living room without feeling like she has to cover up her chest. I want her to slip downstairs and wrap her arms around my waist in the mornings. I want our son to live with his parents and just his parents. I want to come home and feel my heart warm at the sight of her car in the driveway and nobody else's. I want to have a big Christmas tree that we pick out together with our kids and have them come beg us to get up for Santa.

I want a married life, but right now we're still living the college life with a baby.

"Let's make a deal," I tell her. Her eyebrows raise. "We buy a house by October."

"By October? It's July eighth. If we get a house by October, that gives us only two months of working after your paternity leave to pay for a house. That isn't a lot of time."

I pout slightly.

"What is enough time?" I wonder.

"Well I don't even have a job right now, Buddy. I think that we should try to buy a house by Christmas." She says. "That gives us a lot more time, and it gives us time to save up some money."

"What about Sofie and Mason? They can't afford this place without us."

She sighs.

"They can refinance the house. We should just give them the house. Sofie is looking for a job in her career and so is Mason. Once they get it, where they live is not our problem. The only reason we wouldn't be able to is if they don't get it. We all agreed that we can't afford this place without the other couple. Staying together for each other is the least we can do." She shrugs her shoulders and I nod in agreement.

"I think we should tell them tomorrow that we plan to be out around Christmas." I say to her. "And we should tell them we're giving them the house."

"I agree." She says.

We fall into a comfortable silence. My legs are starting to fall asleep with her sitting on my lap, but I don't complain because I've missed her so much recently.

"You know what, I'll start looking for nursing jobs now. I could tell them I just had a baby and I won't be available to work until you are."

She gets off my lap and I sit there for a minute, debating on whether or not I should input my two cents, but she yawns again as she gets out of bed and reaches for her computer.

"How about we do that tomorrow?" I suggest gently. "For now, you should try to get some sleep."

The hesitation is evident in her eyes as she looks at me.

"I don't want to," she says.

"I know, but you really do need to. You have a medical background, Savvy. You know how important sleep is."

She slowly gets back into bed and just sits there for a moment, glancing at me.

"I don't want to have a nightmare."

Chances are, she will. She knows that already, which is why she hasn't slept.

I reach out and gently squeeze her hand.

"If you have a nightmare, I will wake you up," I tell her. "I promise."

_________

This was sad but at least she's (slightly) good again

~Sam