Personal Chef

Chapter 101

I knew from the start that telling Shawn that my sex drive was completely gone would be hard, and I fully expected him to be mad, but it still hurt to see him go from loving and affectionate to angry and tense in an instant. As I sat there on his lap, I tried to come up with the right words to answer his question about why we had been having sex if I wasn't into it.

"I wanted you to be happy, plus I do enjoy how close we are when we're intimate, especially after," I said truthfully.

"But for the last few months you haven't actually enjoyed fucking me?" he asked, his voice on edge.

I could tell he was upset. His entire body was tense and he was clenching his jaw. He was so rarely like this that it unnerved me a little. I felt he needed some space, so I climbed off his lap and sat back down next to him, my legs crossed in front of me.

"I haven't not enjoyed it," I said feebly.

"Chels, you've had orgasms. You didn't enjoy that?"

I bit my lip, unable to say the words out loud. He stared at me, and I saw it slowly sink in.

"Jesus fucking Christ! Have you been faking them?!" he asked, his voice getting louder with each word.

"I'm so sorry," I said, as I began to cry again.

He stood up and walked away from the sofa. I watched as he took a series of deep breaths, clearly trying to calm himself down.

"You've been lying to me. Every time you pretended to get off, it was a goddamned lie."

"I know," I whispered.

"Why did you do it then?" he asked, throwing his arms in the air in exasperation.

"Because like I said, I wanted you to be happy! I hated seeing you so unsatisfied with our sex life."

He glared at me, breathing heavily through his nostrils. "If you think for one second that I'd want you to have sex with me solely for my pleasure or that I'd want you to fake an orgasm for me, you are crazy."

"I'm sorry," I repeated as I started to cry harder.

Shawn turned and stormed off to our room where he slammed the door behind him, causing the whole condo to rattle.

I sat on the couch in stunned silence unsure of what to do or what this meant. What I did know is that I'd made a huge mistake. I'd intentionally deceived my husband instead of having this talk with him months ago.

Time ticked by and Shawn was still in the bedroom. I dried my eyes and got up, walking slowly to the door. I knocked twice before trying the handle, which I was surprised to find unlocked.

He was laying on top of the bed staring up at the ceiling. His cheeks were still flushed with anger and his mouth was tightly closed.

"Can we talk about this?" I asked.

For several seconds he didn't even acknowledge that I'd spoken. Eventually he let out a long breath and turned to look at me.

"How could you do this to me? To us?" he asked.

"I- I did it for us. It wasn't about lying to you. I felt that if you didn't believe things were okay that way, we'd become more and more disconnected."

He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"There are so many things going through my head right now, Chels. Do you really not see how wrong this was?"

"I knew it was wrong, but I was desperate. Having the baby broke me and I was ashamed of that. I hated myself for losing any desire for sex, so I tried to fix things between us."