Personal Chef

Chapter 94

I took a deep breath before unlocking the door of the bistro and walking in. My twelve weeks of maternity leave were over and I was back to work part-time. I left Cady with Shawn after giving her dozens of kisses. I may have cried in the car on the drive, but that was normal, right? Shawn had multiple bottles of pumped milk in the fridge and was as competent as I was at caring for our infant. I wasn't worried about leaving her; I just knew I'd miss her.

As I turned on the lights I felt a little better. The restaurant was my home away from home, and I always felt good when I was here. I turned on the coffee machines and went into the kitchen to start prepping the breakfast foods. Before long, the other employees rolled in and welcomed me back with hugs.

My shift was pretty uneventful. I spent most of my time baking because that kept me the busiest. Halfway through the morning, I went out to my car and pumped. Shawn offered to bring Cady by for a feeding instead of me having to express manually, but I declined. I knew that seeing her would make me miss her more. In twelve weeks I'd be working full time, so I had to adjust to the separation.

Paige showed her support by not bringing up the baby at all. I think she'd advised everyone else to keep quiet about that topic as well. I appreciated this because thinking about my little one too much could result in leaky boobs and leaky eyes.

When my workday was done, I hurried out the door and drove home. When I entered the condo, I looked around for Shawn and the baby. I found him in his office with the baby monitor by his side, playing guitar. When he saw me, his face lit up and he leapt up to give me a kiss.

"Welcome home, working mama!" he said cheerfully.

"She's napping?" I asked, crushed that I couldn't hold her right away.

"I just put her down. She was exhausted after a long stroll in the park. Fresh air always knocks her out."

"I guess I'll take a nap, too," I said as I turned to leave.

Shawn followed me to the bedroom.

I got undressed in the closet and found him in bed waiting for me. As I climbed in on my side, he wrapped his long arms around me and pulled my body against his.

"Maybe we could try having sex again," he said before kissing my shoulder. "I know it's going to get better each time."

My body tensed up at his words.

We'd tried a couple times, and had even technically been successful once. The first time we tried was when Cady was eight weeks old. Even with lube, it hurt. This could have partly been due to the fact that he had a condom on. Shawn had sensed my discomfort and stopped.

We tried again a few weeks later. This time he made a point to initiate a lot more foreplay. I was unable to have an orgasm despite his best efforts at oral, and I was dry as a bone. I'd been on the new pill long enough that we didn't need a condom, but that didn't make a huge difference. It didn't hurt, but I really wasn't into it. He'd finished, though I was pretty sure it was the worst sex he'd ever been subjected to.

It was so hard to explain how I felt. I used to crave my husband all the time. Our sex life had always been unbelievably amazing. Now? Now it was like the switch to my sexual excitement had been flipped off. I wanted to want it. More than that, I wanted to be able to connect with Shawn again on a level that was both physical and emotional. It's like my brain and my body were on two different wavelengths. No matter how hard I tried to arouse myself or let him arouse me, it wasn't working.

"I'm so tired after being at the restaurant all morning," I said to him. "Maybe later?"

He was quiet for several seconds. "Sorry. I didn't think about how exhausted you must be. Just let me know if you're in the mood tonight."