Personal Chef

Chapter 94

My heart sunk at his words. He was being so understanding, but I could sense the rejection in his voice. I wanted to tell him that I loved him as much as ever and still thought he was the most handsome and sexiest man in the world. It wasn't him; it was me. I'd try to make it work tonight for his sake.

That evening I made pork chops, garlicky roasted potatoes, and steamed green beans for dinner. Shawn sipped a glass of red wine while he sat at the counter keeping me company as I cooked. Cady was in her bouncy seat on the floor, happy as a clam.

"You should have a glass of wine," he said. "It might relax you."

"I can't while I'm breastfeeding."

"I know, but we have plenty of pumped bottles. I could feed her one if you didn't think it was safe."

I put down the knife I was using to trim the green beans.

"I'm relaxed, and I'm fine not drinking. Is there a reason you want me to have a drink?"

I knew what the reason was. He was hoping I'd drink a little and loosen up. Like a glass or two of wine would magically return me to my former sex goddess state?

"Forget I said anything," he muttered.

I didn't want to have a fight, but I felt like I needed to say something.

"Just so you know, I'm not happy about the sex thing either, Shawn. I just assume it's going to take a little time. I'll get back in shape, and my mood change."

Shawn's jaw dropped. "This is about how you look?"

"That's part of it."

I didn't want to tell him that the main part was that I had zero desire to have him touch me that way. Sex was a turn-off right now. It was easier to blame it on my weight, which admittedly was an issue.

I hoped that when the baby weight came off I'd no longer be painfully embarrassed about my figure, and that might make me feel sexy again. I hated my body these days and both times we'd fooled around I'd kept a shirt on to cover my tummy. When I was pregnant, I wasn't nearly as self-conscious about my weight. Now that I didn't have a baby bump as an excuse to be bigger, I was very aware of every bulge. I'd lost a few pounds, but I had a long way to go. Breastfeeding made me ravenously hungry, much like pregnancy had, which was making weight loss difficult.

He got up and walked around the counter, grabbing me by the shoulders. "Look at me, Chels."

I looked up into his beautiful brown eyes.

"I think you're beautiful. Nothing has changed on my end of things. I want you just as much as I always have."

"You haven't seen me completely naked. You might feel differently when you do," I said.

"Having a baby was hard on your body. I understand that, honey. It doesn't make you less gorgeous."

Tears started welling up in my eyes. "I'm sorry. I love you so much and want us to be together."

"Then tonight after we put Cady down, we'll try again. We can take our time and go slow."

I nodded.

We ate dinner and took turns holding the baby who was fussy. Each night she got cranky and we'd do everything we could to soothe her. Eventually it would be time for her bedtime feeding. She'd fall asleep after that and was usually out for three to four hours. This was when I could get some real sleep, though tonight that wasn't happening.

I was feeling anxious by the time the baby had been put down in her bassinet.

"Let's turn off all the lights so you are more comfortable," Shawn whispered to me after we shut the door.

He darkened the room and then approached me. Leaning down, he brushed his lips over mine. I closed my eyes and tried to relax into the increasingly passionate kiss. It wasn't that I didn't like being kissed. I loved it. The problem was that it wasn't turning me on like it always had before.

Come on, I told myself, you love sex. Just let it happen.

I reached up and ran my fingers through his curls, which made him moan into my mouth. His hands moved down my back and took hold of my ass. My fat ass. As he kneaded my squishy bottom, which had once been firm, panic coursed through me.

"Please don't touch me there," I said pulling away from him.

"Tell me the places you don't want me to touch so I don't upset you," he said.

I gave it a couple seconds of thought. "My ass, my stomach, and my boobs because of nursing."

"Got it."

He then moved his hands to my hips and pulled me closer to him. I felt his arousal against my stomach. Could his dick tell how big my belly pooch was?

We continued to kiss for a few more minutes before he guided me to the bed.

"I'd like it if you got naked, Chels. If you don't want to, that's fine, too."

I really wanted to make him happy.

"Turn around," I instructed.

He did as I asked and I quickly took off my clothes and climbed under the covers.

"Okay," I told him.

He turned back around and began taking off his jeans and his hoodie. I watched as he lost each article of clothing, leaving him naked in front of me. It was dark, but I could still make out the beauty of his body. He was perfection.

"I love you so much," he said softly as he crawled into the bed next to me.

We resumed kissing. His fingers moved between my legs and he started to stroke me. I wanted my body to respond in the appropriate way, but it didn't. I felt nothing. He tried his damndest to get me to climax, but it was to no avail.

"Let's have sex," I said, knowing that any more effort on his part would be wasted.

He reached over to the bedside table and got the lube out of the drawer. Once he'd applied it, he moved between my legs.

"I'll stop at any point if you need me to," he assured me.

I pulled his head towards me and kissed him so that he knew I wanted him to proceed. Which he did.

It wasn't bad. There was no pain or discomfort. It just wasn't good for me like it used to be. I moved my body with his knowing he'd enjoy it more if I was into it. It didn't take him long to climax inside me, probably because he'd gone so long without sex.

He rolled off me and laid on his back beside me. I cuddled up against him and stroked the hair in his chest as his breathing slowed down.

"Wasn't that better?" he asked.

"Yes," I lied.

Recipes:

https://www.inspiredtaste.net/37062/juicy-skillet-pork-chops/

https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/garlic-roasted-potatoes-recipe-1913067