Dark Visions

4: Assembling the Chaos

I sat at the desk in my room and cleared some space by pushing aside tarot cards, incense, candles, and other mystical trinkets that normally brought me peace and comfort. However, not even the positive energy from my private altar was magical enough to calm my anxiety.

The haunting what-ifs of the future and the painful how-comes of the past bitterly fought for space in my thoughts.

Reluctantly, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Jace's number. The sheer fact that I had memorized every single digit after so long was more than a slap in the face. My throat sank to the pit of my stomach and churned at the thought of hearing his voice again. Apprehension and unease quickly built and bubbled in my gut.

The line rang, rang, rang.

"Max? Maxine Shepard?" His voice triggered anger in me, and I rolled my eyes as the sarcasm flowed through the speaker. "I knew you were gonna call. I knew it. What's up? Lonely? Bored? Need a friend? Begging for a redo?"

Asshole.

It took everything in me not to hang up the phone right then and there. Who did he think he was, pretending to forget how much he crushed my heart? How he not only crushed it but ripped it out, stomped it, and crumpled it to bits. "I'm getting a group together."

"What now?" He sighed, not even attempting to hide his annoyance. "Let me guess? You're seeing visions of fairies and you want us to track them down and capture them somewhere deep in the woods? You sure you didn't call because you miss me?" His voice was extra deep and masculine. I pictured him studying his reflection in the mirror as he flexed his biceps and abs while he spoke. Which was something he did often when we were together.

I rolled my eyes again, disappointed that I had to stoop to his level. "It's very apparent I was the best thing you've ever had and now you're swimming in guilt because you screwed it up. Miss me yet?"

His nervous chuckle nearly made me vomit but I held it together, much like I did when discovering him in bed with another woman. I was strong then. I'm strong now.

The hurtful memories plagued me for months after our breakup. It was more than a betrayal, his cheating hit me like a bullet to the heart mostly because of how naïve I was that I didn't trust the signs, or my intuition, sooner. I knew better than to fall so hard so fast, but I allowed myself to be vulnerable and trust him without him having to prove he deserved it first.

Nonetheless, I've learned from that mistake. And like every bad experience in life, I won't repeat it again.

"Maybe I do feel guilty." He chuckled. "Just a little."

I bit my lip and sneered at nothing in particular, not allowing his shallow jabs to hurt as he intended them to. "Will you help or not?"

"I don't know." He snickered. "Bringing up how wrong I was for a mistake I made nearly a year ago is definitely the way to make me work hard to get back in your good graces."

I kicked myself for falling for what I mistakenly perceived to be brute confidence in him that later turned out to be utter arrogance. It took me awhile to realized it hadn't been his love I yearned for, but an escape from the pain and the loneliness brought on from losing my beloved parents, my friends and a sense of self-awareness. I frequently forced those feelings down into the dark void that contained my heart and locked them away.

Because of me and Jace's past, I finally understood that neglecting my intuition had consequences.

I had to live with that.

"This is something I feel I need to do," I confessed, trying desperately to stay on topic and not allow him to change the subject back to him or throw me off course. "It's calling me. Pulling me. I don't understand it now, but I know that I soon will. And in order for this to work..." I rolled my eyes as the words teetered on my tongue, "...I need you there."

"Hmm." An awkward pause sent chills down my spine and I was sure I was sensing what Jace must've been feeling. "What exactly does success look like?"

Finally, a well-meaning question. Sadly, I couldn't provide a well-meaning answer. "We would know victory when we have more definite answers and less confusion." I stared at my computer and skimmed over my researched facts about the Manaan Cavern. All the while, my stomach ached due to the sinking feeling I couldn't shake.

Did success mean finding Blamore's home? Did I really believe the answer lay buried somewhere in that cave? 

I feared being lead by a need to satisfy my curiosity more than to follow my intuition, even though my intuition steadily flashed red, warning of the danger to come. Yet every fiber of my being was drawn toward that red with Jace, Cecil and the others beside me.

Without even consulting the cards, I knew there was no other choice than to comply.