Moments of Impact H.S. A.U.

24.

"Why not? You know, I'm not sure you can live off of photography. It's good for you to try something different." It's the same old song that I've heard her sing a million times. For some reason she never gets tired of singing it. 

"I know," I say giving her what she wants. "I tried it, wasn't for me," I say wiping away a tear. I'm surprised she can't hear my voice cracking, or perhaps she can but is deliberately trying to ignore it.

"But did you really give it a chance?" She asks, and I want to scream at her to let it go but if I do I'll let her know that something's off, and I want to spare us both for that conversation. I don't want her to think bad of me, and I don't think she'd be particularly happy if I told her I'd been seeing someone in a relationship. I really want to spare us both from that disappointed look, I know she'd give me if I told her the truth. I don't want to be that kind of woman. The other woman. I guess that is exactly what I am though. Or was, yet I want to change that. This really isn't me. 

"Yes, mum. But it wasn't working out. The boss and I don't really see eye-to-eye," mentioning Harry like this sends me into an emotional state I don't want to be in. I don't know why he continues to hold so much power over me. My body is trembling. If only she could understand that I'm heartbroken. 

"I hope it wasn't due to your stubbornness that you got fired."

"I quit," I correct her. "Mum, I don't want to talk about it, okay?" I say sighing. Why is it that she just assumes that I was the problem? I love my mum, but sometimes she's such a pain in the arse. I'm sure she says the same about me, maybe the reason we so easily get on each other's nerves is because we are too alike. 

"Okay. So did you meet-"

"No, mum," I lie. I don't want to discuss this matter now. I don't want to tell her about everything that's been going on in my life for the past five months or so. "Mum, I'm meeting Maddie. Tell dad I say hi. See ya," I say trying not to cut her off too abruptly.

"Will do. Take care, Leah," she says, and I hang up the phone. I take a deep breath. My tears won't stop from falling. Why is it that she always has to ask if I've met someone. Whenever I meet someone that I can take to meet my parents I will. 

I feel a pair of hands on my shoulders and I jump instantly. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. What's wrong?" Jared asks, and I look into his blue eyes feeling guilty as I wrap my arms around his bare torso from the barstool I'm sitting on. His half-naked body is not stirring up anything inside of me the way Harry's would, and it really kills me that it isn't. Why is it that I can't just let myself fall completely for Jared? I've been seeing him for around three weeks now. I met him one time I was out with Bonnie. I was an emotional mess that night. I guess I don't take my alcohol too well considering I never go out because I had too much to drink, and Jared found me throwing up on George St and ended up holding my hair for me. I was hammered, but hit on him for being so sweet to me. I went home with him that night, but we didn't sleep together. Or technically we did but that was all we did. When I asked him afterwards why he didn't want to have sex with me, he told me he didn't want to take advantage of me in the state I was in. I swear if there was more guys like him in the world, the world would be a better place. He truly is a gentleman. The fact that I even offered myself to him like that is beyond me. Things surely has changed. Half a year ago, I would never have done anything like this.

"You know you can talk to me," he whispers stroking my hair, and I hate myself for what I'm doing to him. I'm letting him on, making him think I'm interested. And I think part of me wants to be, but the other is just desperately holding on to anything it can scared of feeling lonely again. He's good for me, maybe even too good, but all I can think of is Harry. Perhaps the reason as to why I'm holding on is because I've come to realise that I don't sleep well alone. Stupid Harry for changing everything in my life.