After four years on a dramatic rollercoaster of emotions, it looked like Camila and Lauren were finally done for good, especially with Camila ready to leave Fifth Harmony. However, that didn't mean that the drama ended there, or that 'Camren' did ei...
I stared up at my ceiling, wondering what the green eyed girl was doing right in that moment. It was so strange feeling like I couldn't just text her. After the way she had talked to me when I texted her the last time, I was going to let her be the one to initiate something, if there was anything to initiate.
This was different from all of the other times. I couldn't just wait this out and wait to patch things up in person again. I had no idea when I would see her again, or if I would. That one single thought was slowly starting to eat away at me.
I was made for loving you
Even though we may be hopeless hearts just passing through
Every bone screaming I don't know what we should do
But all I know is darling I was made for loving you
~I Was Made for Loving You (Tori Kelly & Ed Sheeran)
However, there was one other thought eating away at me, too: did I really just experience the love of my life only to have it end like this? No, I thought. There was a strange, deep-rooted feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me this wasn't over.
After the way Lauren had treated me leading up to my departure, after seeing her and Lucy be so happy together, after countless break ups...I still had hope. I had no idea why, but I just had a feeling that she was who I was meant to love.
Maybe I was feeling this way because she was the only person I had loved. Maybe I was just scared that I would never find anyone better. No matter how many options I ran through in my head, none of them seemed right. I had absolutely no idea why a small sliver of me was still holding on. The thing about hope, though, was that it could be just as destructive as it was beautiful.
Once upon a time I was falling in love
Now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
~Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)
I rolled over on my bed to pick up my phone again, desperate for any sort of information on Lauren. I had done such a good job of not paying attention to what she had been up to over the break while I was in Cancun, but here I was, wallowing and doing this to myself. I couldn't help it. There were no more distractions.
I opened up Twitter and started typing in Lauren's name, but stopped halfway through it. Then, I did something crazy. I erased what I had typed and started over, writing out 'C-A-M-R-E-N' instead. I hesitated, scared of what I would find.
I hadn't searched the 'Camren' tag in months, mostly because I was living it. Now, I felt so detached from her, from us, that I needed any sort of way to feel connected to her. If only the fans knew how much I actually saw of what they posted about us. It was all so painfully intoxicating. One of the first posts that I saw caused my temper to flare up.
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