Angel Valhalla

Fourty-one

Alright, so disclaimer. My stupid ass didn't know I had published the last chapter. It was actually a work in progress, I had no clue it had published so it randomly cuts off. I'm so sorry for the slow update. I've been going through a lot. 2018 was a horrible year for me. But I'm self aware and on a journey to happiness:) I'm working on myself and changing everything I hate about my life. If anyone is going through this and needs to talk, I'm here.  Thank you for you time and patience. I love you all infinitely🖤

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yoga was so nice. It helped me clear my mind off things. Distracted me too. Which was sort of ironic. It's just that sometimes I over thought everything too much. When I was at home. In the quiet of my own room. With only the sound of the clock ticking-although the sound of page flipping did chime in from time to time as I flipped through magazines unfazed by what I saw and more deep in thought as to what the rest of my life would be like. It was like that everyday. A boring, bland, perfect trophy wife life. The same routine. I didn't know who I was anymore. What my goals and plans for the future were. Did I have any dreams or aspirations? I don't know, I just knew I was the wife of Nick. That's all I knew how to do these days. But at least in yoga class I got to be someone else. The amateur student who struggled to do even the most basic poses. I've always been clumsy, so this presented a challenge for me and also a break from that bull shit I always had on my mind.  I was overthinking everything. I really was. But when you had so much fucking free time on your hands, had everything given to you, and this facade to keep up, you had plenty of time to think about how unhappy and unaccomplished you felt.

Because although being the trophy wife to the legacy of wealthy CEO might seem like a huge accomplishment to someone else, it wasn't to me. I think even back when I was younger I strived for something else. Something that made my blood trickled with excitement. And now that I was older, I had started to realize that all along all I've ever really wanted was to break out. Break out from this persona whom my parents had wanted me to be. The rich, perfect daughter. And here I was again, being just that.  The more time I spend with myself I realized that I didn't want to live a life in vain.

See here I went again. Overthinking. It wasn't this bad. I thought I could do it, but as the days piled up and turned into weeks that turned into months that turned into a year-I found myself more and more yearning for that blood trickling excitement.  I felt myself get blander. I was losing myself in this facade.

But I couldn't necessarily walk out of Nicks life. I had agreed to this. I really had. Damn it, why had I? Was my mom that huge of a deal to me these days?  Had she ever been?  Was this really the best thing for Nick? Pretending to be someone he wasn't?

It really is cruel. How every little fucking choice you make can impact your life for years to come. A rippling effect.

So I had been doing some thinking. Maybe I could divorce Nick. After a couple of years. People did it all the time now days. Failed marriages were such a thing amongst these people. People in general. It was kind of sad actually.  It kind of made me realize that love didn't really exist. At least not that Romantic type. 

How had I reached this conclusion? From just watching the people around me. Just a realization I've come to make from previous experiences over the years.  From adulterers, to people just falling out of love, or realizing they misplaced their feelings all along.

Even thinking back on him I think to myself, 'did I really love him?' Or was I just in love w the idea of being in love? Did I love the attention he gave me? Or did I love knowing that he had chosen me out of all those other women. Did I love him? Because let me tell you, I've been in love so many times. And now that I'm older, I've come to realize that what I felt was never really love. Looking back at all those boys that I thought I loved, it's so funny. Because I don't think I ever did really love them.  I was young and I threw the word "love" around too much.