Angel Valhalla

thirty-three~a forever.

I wanted a forever.

my forever.

What was a forever?

it could go both ways. A forever of hurt, and sadness and loneliness. tears and regrets. Or a forever of lust, blitz, and love. i know he could give me that. I knew it. he could be my forever. stop lying to yourself Lilith, you've always known. No other man could make you feel this way, make your heart sizzle with warmth and passion. With love and desire. With happiness. No other man had showed you a dime of that the happiness he had brought you, even if it was short lived. He was capable of that and more. Eyes closed I could feel the tip of my lashes touch my skin, it tickled. I could close my eyes right here, right now and feel the beating of my heart ring through my ears drums and speed up as i thought of the way his skin felt on mine-like dry ice. So cold it burned. It woke every nerve in my body, and craved for him in the strangest, deepest desire. Because this boy knew how to touch me, like no any other boy had. Wether it was simply brushing the pad of his thumb across my bottom lip, or running his fingertips across the soft flesh of my belly. It was an innocent touch, that left a sinister desire in me. It touched me, and burned me. An angelic white touch, turned red and fiery. 

He could give me that forever.

I know he could.

I wanted him to give it to me.

I wanted to let go. To let the flames of that passion I felt for him to finally devour me and give in to it.

Give in to it and see what it could be.

Because one thing for sure; it would be chaotically,  insatiably, and never ending ardent love. Because I loved him.

I woke up.

It felt like water splashed my face and awoke me into a cruel reality. My thoughts and dreams hunted me even as I sat up and took in my surroundings. My heart beating fast and wild from the anxious, chaotic thoughts that had bloomed in my little head as I slept.

Holy fucking shit. I did love him.

I looked around me, trying to remember what the hell had happened.  Then the vivid raw memories of last nights occurrences and Cam's crude words rippled through me.

I turned to my side where a tired, dark eyed Cam was staring at me intensely as if he'd been waiting for me to get up. His hair was a wild mess, which was a first for Cam given he was always groomed to perfection, not a hair out of place. He had chapped, red lips, and dark under eye circles that really did him no good given his pale complexion.

"How's your hangover?" I whispered in a throaty voice, my throat dry. It was like I was missing air.

He ran a hand through his hair, and twisted his mouth in a scowl. "Could be worst." He said, but grimaced as he stood up. His whole world must have been turning upside down most likely.

He walked over to the bathroom, and from his bedroom I could hear the faucet turn on.

i busied myself with the texture of his bedsheets as I thought out my next words carefully before opening my mouth to speak again.

"So last night...um," I lingered on the edge of uneasiness," I wanted to thank you for doing that for me. It seems I have a really shitty habit of getting into trouble and having you come and rescue me all the time." I mustered a weak forced laugh at the end, and received no response. I breathed in quietly. the only sound was the water running with a couple splashes here and there,and then the sound of his teeth against a toothbrush.

"I really thought I was going to die," I decided to continue,"like actually die this time. It's weird, " say it Lilith "when you're about to die... you realize things. All these crazy thoughts run through your minds stuff that you push down-force down. And when you're pushed to the edge, when you think you're about to die, it all surfaces and you can't hide it anymore. The truth comes out and so do all your fears and thoughts and feelings, and realities. You stop lying to yourself. I think it's cuz you're scared ...cuz you know your times up and all those things you had avoided you wished you hadn't. And not just things you avoided, but things you had, and didn't appreciate." I stop mid breath realizing that I'm going off on a tangent now. I shake my head and close my eyes as if to erase all the distractions and try to shift my focus back to the main goal.  

Breath Lilith, breath.

"What I'm trying to say is that I regret ever walking away...from you."

The water stopped running.

I froze mid breath and turned to look at the entrance of the bathroom and saw Cam walking out in the midst of taking his shirt off and revealing a nice sculpted broad but lean body. 

He didn't say anything.

I looked at him like a gaping fish trying to figure out if he had even heard me. Maybe he didn't hear me over the running water. He threw the shirt he'd been wearing back in the bathroom, probably into a waste basket or so with out another word. I watched him pick out a black casual sweater and expensive dark wash jeans.

Was he ignoring me?

"Um are you in a hurry to be some place? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to distract you, it's just that, I think we should talk." I said as I stood up from his bed and met him eye to eye with a distraught fragile expression on my face.

He throws the sweater over his head and when his his head comes out of the head hole, his face is a little bit more full of color I can see. With red flushed cheeks. Rosey and lovely.

"I actually do, im sorry but if you don't mind I really have to get going."  He says.

I'm taken back by his how easy he dismisses my feelings and thoughts.

"Oh.." is all I can muster," Um well okay, do you think we can meet later on and you know, talk..?" I say staring intensely at the wooden floor with a cracked expression.

He clicks his tongue for a second or two as if thinking and then sighs deeply," Hmm, how do I put this. " he says after he slips his jeans on.

He abruptly cups my chin in his hands and forces me to look him in the eye," Lilith, you're my girl. I love you, you know that right?" I look him dead in the eyes. I could feel so much emotion behind those words.

"But you left me. And I have every right to move on. You hurt me like no any other girl has ever hurt me. That's crazy to me, before you I thought I couldn't be hurt like that.  you broke my little heart. And I understand why. You were hurting. But Lilith, there are some things I can't control, you must understand that. What happened was not all completely my fault. All of this, all of what happened between us. We should have never met. We should have never crossed paths. In other words, I love you, but fuck you. You broke my heart. And now that I'm with someone else, you want to get back together? That's not how it works. I wanted to move on, to rid myself of this disgusting pain you left me behind with. Because Lilith, I've never felt like this about any other girl, and it hurts so fucking much to want someone and not to be able to be with them. So I decided to move on. I'm seeing someone else and it would be shitty of me to  leave her just because you decided that you wanted to be with me. I'm sorry but the world needs to continue spinning. It won't stop for me or you or for anyone."

It was then that he let go of me and walked out of his own room leaving me behind wide eyed and glazed in tears.

He was wrong.

The world did stop. It had for me the second he told me all that.

***

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X
Sandi