It was the middle of the day, thankfully school decided it was going to let out early. I didn't blame them, sometimes I thought the teachers were going through more mental breakdowns than the student rejects were.
When I stepped inside my house I was greeted with the warm feeling of my house. It always smelt like lemon cleaner and whatever food my mom was making considering she was always in the kitchen.
"Mom Ashley told me to remind you she has guitar lessons!" I yelled to my mom who was cooking dinner already in the kitchen.
She set down her bowl and walked over to me. "I remember, now I will smack you with a rolling pin the next time you yell to me from another room. You know I hate that." She huffed and went back to the kitchen.
"Sorry, ma!"
She let out an annoyed grunt before I ran up to my room. It's been a minute since I was last able to just let go in my own space. I've been so caught up with this Ryan situation it feels like my breath has been stored in my throat for weeks. Not that I don't like hanging out with him because I love it but its just good to be able to vedge out by yourself. I felt myself starting to let go and drift to sleep before I heard my phone ring.
"Hey what are you up to?"
It took me a minute to realize I wasn't asleep anymore, "Hey Ryan, " I sat up and rubbed my eyes sleepily. "Just laying down. What are you up to?"
"I'm reading."
"Boring but you do you."
"It is boring honestly." He let out a laugh.
"You should come to sneak in my house."
"Sounds like a party, leave your window open?"
"Will do sir."
Before I knew it I was helping Ryan enter my room.
He looked around my bedroom which was clean for once and sat down at the end of my bed. He looked tired and his face seemed like it was drained of his natural rosy color.
"Hey, " I sat down next to him with a concerned look on my face. "What's wrong?"
He shook his head words not leaving his mouth but tears, on the other hand, were threatening to spill.
"Okay, we can talk about something else." I thought about how sad he sounded over the phone. Then I realized some other things that for some reason didn't come to mind before. He was an inpatient for trying to end his own life, which now that I think about it was partially my fault. His father beat him all the time and he probably has severe depression and PTSD from past childhood abuse. This kid has been through a lot and im really not helping even though that was the sole purpose of this whole thing.
His eyes closed as his hands found there way to the side of his worn out jeans. His fingertips clenched the material and he breathed in deeply before releasing and going back to normal. Normal as in not happy but not on the verge of tears either. He still looked like he hasn't slept in over a decade and his left hand still shakes with anticipation and anxiety. I tried my best to calm him down with a friendly hand on the shoulder and tried breathing with him since that's one of the things we were taught in psychology.
He still hasn't managed to say a word to me other than muttering that he was okay and that I shouldn't be worried. The obvious fear lingering off of him was that he didn't feel safe or that he thought he was vulnerable in some sense. I removed my hand from his shoulder and got up. He flinched at the sudden movement and I made a note to myself that I would lecture later about not getting up so fast. My steps were soft as I made my way to the door and I locked it to let him know that nobody else is going to come in. I shut my window and I locked it and placed the dark blue curtains that were hung back together so that we couldn't see the outside world. I knew that we would both have to be soft-spoken or my mom would question why I was talking to some stranger in my bedroom that was not a stranger but wasn't allowed to be revealed either. After I made sure that Ryan knew that nobody else is going to leave or enter the room until he wanted to he seemed to settle down.
