Unforentulley, the school was only canceled for one day and so far I'm three hours in and already regretting not faking sick. Yesterday's news has messed me up all types of bad. Not to mention I can't even look at Ryan without wanting to cry. I can't be upset about it though because no one knows I know expect Dallon.
My classes were fine, I didn't talk too many people today though and if I thought my head was messed up after Sarah broke up with me then lord knows I wasn't prepared for yesterday. Still, my eyes lingered for Ryan whenever I was in the hall. I just wanted to cry and apologize to him over and over again. However, I can't because he thinks I hate him and he probably hates me so. I sighed rubbing my hands across my face almost ripping my skin off.
The clocks ticks where the only things that could be heard in the classroom. Surprisingly no one was fighting or telling the teacher off it was just per and utter silence. I'm pretty sure the teacher herself was asleep. The Ticking clock read 9:45 so almost time to leave. Sure enough, the bell rings and bam I was searching the halls like a hound dog for Ryan again. But just like I did all morning as soon as I saw him I bit back a sob and ran away.
This unhealthy pity cycle went on for about ten years until finally deciding, at the end of the 8th period that I would march right on up to him and declare my apologies.
Sure enough, when the bell rang I was making my way over to him again. "Hey." I managed though it sounded forced and meek.
His eyes did a once over and went right back to his locker.
"Ryan." I tried though still nothing. "Will you please talk to me?"
"What about?" He qued sound unamused.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry for everything: For me not talking to you, for me letting you get so bad that you tried to hurt yourself I'm sorry for all of it. I don't hate you but, I do get it if you hate me."
That seemed to catch his attention but still didn't look at me. "Why are you doing this to me?"
"Doing what?..."
"Acting like you care when you obvisally don't, " he turned around showing flickers of anger and sadness in his eyes. "You were the only good thing in my life. I thought you actually cared because God knows you listened to me complain about everything. Then you just up and vanish? Do you have any idea what that did to my head, Brendon? I went crazy, I was isolated." He stopped and grabbed his bag. "And now you come back and say you're sorry? That's not how that works. I can't risk getting hurt again."
"I can't tell you a lot....at least not here but if you agree to meet me somewhere then I'll tell you everything that I can."
"I don't want to hear your excuse, Brendon I just want you to leave me alone."
"Please...."
He sighed and drew a sharp breath. "Fine, meet me at Pizza Hut in an hour you'll have five minutes ." He left quicker than I thought he would.
My back slouched on the lockers and I felt the metal ridges dig into my back. Was I really about to make this stupid of a decision? It could get me killed or Ryan killed or who knows who killed but what's the point of doing this if he thinks I did that to him. Heck, I can't remember really anything at all from freshman year and I was just noticing that yesterday! I mean am I stupid? Yes so then it solves it.
At a loss for thinking, I got into my car and started at the road. Specs of water were being thrown at my windshield inconsiderately, as the wind when rapid. The Turning of my stomach did not ease the stupidity that I was feeling for making this decision. I tried everything to get my mind off of it for at least 5 minutes. I did give up though because I don't try very hard at really anything.
My plan was to go home and sit on my bed and probably watch a movie until the hour was up. Then, I decided that I should just drive around for an hour not caring about how much gas is going to cost me and how I do not have the money for that.
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Finally the hour past. You know what sucks? When you're expecting something and it literally takes 7 years for 1 minute to go by. It's like I'm just counting the seconds until I go up to an hour. I parked my car in the Pizza Hut parking lot. My hands reach up to my face as I rub my eyes almost pressing them in out of anxiety. I sigh once more before getting out of my car and heading inside.
The place smelled like, you guessed it, pizza and it didn't take me long to spot the curly headed boy. When I got a clearer view of his face I saw that there was a purplish blue mark former right below his eye. My stomach churned but I knew I wouldn't have been able to do much right now. As soon as I sat down it seemed like he was already counting the five-minute mark in his head.
"Go on, I'm waiting." He sneered.
"I don't remember anything from Freshmen year. Well, I can't really say that now because I started to remember things when I remet you. Something drew me towards you and I wasn't really sure what it is, (yeah I kinda did but I can't say "I hung out with you because you're messed up and I'm in the competition thing.") Everyone was acting weird about me being near you and I didn't know why. We where friends I know that now, but I didn't even remember who you were and still really don't. I only know what Dallon told me."
He looked like he was trying to process it and not knowing whether to believe it or not. "Okay, but why didn't any of your friends try to tell you who I was?"
I went quiet, do I tell him that his dad tried to kill me or do I save that till marriage? "Your dad" was all I had to say to make him go silent.
"I'm so sorry." He looked at me with sad understanding eyes that could make anyone want to die.
"I want to be friends Ryan, I get it if you don't want to be. I still feel horrible for everything but I can't change the past."
"I understand that and I want to be friends too I guess."
