roses » cth [au]

XII » 'love'

Calum's eyes look sad, and tired, and he had that far away look in his eyes, and I couldn't help regret ever saying any of that. "I'm not terrified... I like it. Not that you feel that way, no I don't like that at all. That you know, you're not oblivious, you're not the average teenage girl who thinks about boys and Ke$ha, and how to land themselves a better spot in that 'social ladder'. You know about life, you know more about life than anyone I've met. There's much more to you than there is to other girls I've met. But, you're also wrong. Depression does end, things do get better, some people just don't contain the strength within them to make it that far. Ella, I'm living proof depression ends."

I let go oh his hand and raised an eyebrow. Then, I bombarded him with questions. "Oh, really? Are you happy? Are you content with your life? Don't you ever get sad out of no where? Do you feel like something's missing? Do you like your life? Do you like yourself?

Do you feel complete?"

I heard Calum take a deep breath and then whisper, "I feel complete when you're around." Then he lips formed a small smile.

My breath hitched, as I struggled to find something to say. "...I'm being serious Calum."

"So am I."

"You're not, I know you're not. I've been in your life for what, two weeks? Less? More? Point is, I can't just come into your life and solve all your problems, it doesn't work that way." I protested.

"Ella, listen to me, again you're wrong. As you said; sometimes you meet someone and it changes everything. You're that person for me. I love you, I'm in love with you, and I never felt more content with my life than I do when I'm around you. And I know I shouldn't be throwing around 'I'm in love with you' because many people do, and most of the times they don't mean it, but I know. I'm positive I mean it. I know I am in love with you, because if I wasn't I wouldn't stay up thinking about you. I wouldn't annoy Ashton by telling him how happy you make me every single day. I wouldn't stay infatuated with all the small things about you, as I do. Like how you bite your pencils when you're excited and how you play with your thumbs when you're nervous. I'm in love with you, I need you to be in love with me too." Calum said, my heart was beating faster and faster as I couldn't find the words to say.

I didn't know what I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him I loved him, and everything about him, and how fucking in love I was with him, but I couldn't. Love was something I had never expierenced and it scared the shit out of me. Of course, I've loved people, but I've never been in love. How was I supposed to tell Calum how I felt, when I didn't even know how felt. For all I know, this isn't even love, this could be a crush and us being stupid kids considering it love. And I didn't know if whether or not to take the risk of not knowing.

Calum cocked an eyebrow and stared at me while I was thinking. "Is it Luke? Are you in love with Luke?"

"Can you fucking drop that already Calum, I've told you a million times Luke's just a great a friend, I'm not in love with him." I said, angrily.

"But you're not in love with me either, are you?"

At this point, I started crying, everything just became too much. I just came out of a mini coma, and I have to deal with all of this again, and I could feel my anxiety levels rising, and I could feel my suicidal thoughts deepening. "I don't know Calum, I don't want to risk loosing you, then probably loosing myself, not that I even found myself. And I don't want to be sad and lonely and lonelier and sadder and living on the road because I'm sad and lonely. And I have no idea what I'm saying and I don't think any of this makes any sense but point is; I don't know." I started spitting out words that didn't make sense together, and Calum started looking at me as if I was insane.