Jane's Diary

~Diary Update~

Friday 8th January 2019, 4:36 a.m.

I have this really unhealthy habit of staying up til all hours of the night and leading myself deeper into the hole of overthinking. It's honestly one of my worst habits.

Overthinking just makes me despise myself even more each time I do it which I didn't know was even possible at this point.

Whenever someone asks me what I even overthink about I never have an answer because it's literally everything. It can be something as small as going to get groceries for my mother to something as big as thinking about who would miss me if I killed myself right then and there. It's so incredibly draining, both physically and mentally and I seriously do not know how much I can handle it.

My therapist is suggesting that I have a meeting with the doctor to see if I need to get some medication to help me. I kind of think it's a good idea because obviously it would help me so much but I'm also scared of the side affects. I heard they can be even worse than your original thoughts, depending on what medication you're taking. My mother told me she has been avoiding meds for me for years because as of said side affects and only now since I've gotten worse she thinks it might be the best option.

Another one of her reasons for changing her mind is when she had to come pick me up from school one day after I had an emotional breakdown. A teacher of mine frequently took me out to talk about some stuff as she knew about my whole mental health thing. One day I was just feeling extremely low and I literally didn't speak to any of my friends. This teacher took me out as usual and as soon as she asked me what was wrong I just broke.

She brought me into her office and I just sobbed about how I really wanted to kill myself and that I've been thinking about it for the last week and a half. Even she started crying which I've never seen before. I then had to go to my school counsellor, who I also visited weekly since I started secondary school (high school. this breakdown was in my last year of school), and talked with her and my principal and my principal had to walk me back to whatever class I had at that time and said I shouldn't leave the school until my mother came to pick me up as they were really concerned about what actions I intended to take next.

I knew I wasn't going to harm myself that day. I was too tired. Also after this whole incident I knew my parents and brothers were going to be keeping their eyes on me for the rest of the day.

It was only a few weeks later, the night before my aural exam in school, that I almost overdosed on tablets. For the eighth time in five years. That's an achievement I will never be proud of.

Do I regret it? I'm not quite sure. Being suicidal is a tricky thing. It can mean that you're actively thinking of ways to end your life and are really set on it and there's also the other side if it. The side where you don't really want to die, you just don't want to exist. The side where you don't particularly care what happens to you. Meaning you don't bother to look up and down while crossing the street, or watch what you're doing when using sharp objects like knives etc. and just other harmful things.

I think I'm a mix between not wanting to exist and not really caring if I die. The only reason I'm here after all is because I know it would absolutely tear my family apart. I don't want to put them through anything like that and I don't want my mother to experience it twice. My grandmother committed suicide years before I was born, my mother was around 16 or 17 at the time.

She was like me. She's had multiple suicide attempts before it finally happened. My mother being a witness to some. I can't imagine the trauma she must feel. Also her sister has also had to attempts. We think it must be a genetics thing. Maybe it's something that has been passed down through only the girls as no males in our family has gone through this. Not that I know of, of course.

I think I've typed away my thoughts for tonight. If you enjoyed, leave a comment.

If you EVER want to talk or rant or just express something, my messages are open to anyone and everyone. No one is exempt from mental health and if you need help. Please seek it.

-jane