Jane's Diary

~Diary Update~

Thursday, 3rd January 2019, 2:22 p.m.

January 2019. Yep. It's been about two years since I updated this thing. I have no idea why I always get a spontaneous idea and then I go to try it out and then after a couple days I either completely forget about it or just get too sad and lazy to continue it.

Recently I've actually been thinking about doing another diary. A written one. Although every time I try a new one, the same thing happens, it gets abandoned for months and even years. I'm so fucking inconsistent with things it's not funny. It's not just these "stories" or "life updates" or whatever you wanna call this. It's with almost everything in my life. Friends included.

Friends. God, what a concept. I've been denying it for ages when my family would say jokingly that I have no friends anymore. I would usually get offended and start naming off my friends and even getting desperate enough to start naming people I've had one or two good conversations with and even starting to name some online friends, which isn't many.

I've accepted that all "friends" I gain would eventually leave when they get tired of trying to compete with my crippling anxiety and depressive episodes. So much that I don't even talk to the people I once considered my best and closest friends. Sure it's the occasional "heart react" on a picture of them on Facebook or replying to their sad snapchat story offering your advice that you can't seem to accept yourself. But other than that? Pure silence.

Realistically, it's nobodies fault but mine. I'm the one who cancels every plan and makes up excuses as to why I can't go, I'm the one who even LIES as to why I can't go, saying things like "oh I'm at a relatives home I can't go, maybe next time." Maybe next time. And then I start coming up with excuses for plans that haven't even been thought out yet just so I can avoid going out in public and making myself miserable. Trust me it's better for both parties if I just stay inside.

Fucking hell, I sound like one of those crazy conspiracy theorists who thinks everyone is out to get them so they board up their windows and lock the doors, not letting anyone see who's inside. Only this time I'm locking my constant, over-whelming depression and anxiety that affects my life 99.9 percent of the time and I'm sure everyone else's. I'm so fucking sick and tired and physically and emotionally drained because of this.

Anyway, here's a somewhat-better-than-the-others-diary update. Hopefully I can get the courage to keep this up. It's actually kind of fun to just type away your thoughts. Being anonymous is quite fun to be honest. I'm thinking I may change the cover too, to make it more "me" ..? Idk.

I actually thought I might change my name and not use my real one online as I saw on twitter that that's a thing. Just so nobody I know personally or in real life could find this and clock that it's me and somehow use it against me.

Whoops; there goes me overthinking again, damn. Anyway, hope you enjoyed my thoughts? They aren't really exciting today but who knows why I'll be thinking tomorrow.

~Jane. { My new fake name (((: }