Monolouges

Dearly Departed

Dear Anyone who cares enough to read this,

If you're reading this, I'm sorry I can't be there to comfort you if you found this whole thing upsetting. I doubt it, but still. You were there for me when you thought I needed you, but I can't be there for you now. It's probably just another thing that I can't do right. 

There are so many things I wish I could change but it all seems so impossible. I know it probably isn't, but things can be so far away that it would take a miracle to accomplish and I ran out of miracles a long time ago. If you're reading this, you were probably one of those miracles. I know I didn't tell you I love you enough. I probably didn't trust you. I probably never let you in to help, so don't blame yourself if you couldn't. 

I have thoughts I never told anyone about. I'm not happy, and I cry a lot. I know I don't belong, and I knew I wouldn't no matter how hard I tried. I know you won't get this part, but even though the bottom of my wooden heart says otherwise, I've come to not love myself anymore. I was feeling low at the time, yet I feel even worse now to not believe my own words. How low do you have to be to stop believing in yourself? How do you get this lonely and hurt this bad? 

I've always waited for the day where I would tell someone I'm okay, and they would say I wasn't. I guess I was just hoping that someone would see past my boundaries. It hasn't come yet, and I was hopeful it still might. I just don't feel like waiting for it anymore. 

You weren't the one who got a chance to say it but don't blame yourself. It just means I'm an amazing actress. Acting is all about putting yourself into the shoes of another, and in my case... I was putting myself into the shoes of someone who was actually happy. 

There is a lot you can keep under a costume. Things you can do that have another meaning for you, but no one ever notices. Life has never been easy for me when it comes to what goes through my head, but it's something you try to get used to. I hope you can push past it like I never could. Everything hurts, but that's okay. I'm used to it. I feel useless. I feel unimportant. I feel cheap and unwanted, but I'm told I'm loved (almost) every day. 

I kept count a few years back how many days went by where no one said they loved me. 49 out of 365 days. I did the math. 13.4% of the year. The worst part is that I can't bring myself to believe other people. I can't trust them 86.6% of the year. 

If I can't trust myself or others, then what do I do? Where could I turn? Where could I truly fit in? How could I go from that peppy little five-year-old girl, to this thing I have become? I still remember how excited I was on my fifth birthday. Telling everyone who would listen that it was my birthday. 

I was likeable, yet I hate most everything about myself now. I would much rather just hide in my room on my birthday then go around and tell other people about it. I guess it was cute for a little kid, but now? Not so much. My thoughts have destroyed me more than anything else ever could but this one always gets me. 

I have so many good memories with others, things I will take with me to the grave. I'm just sorry those memories weren't enough to really prove to me that it was worth sticking around for anymore. It was fun and all, but could anything be so fun to make up for all the other things? I guess I'm just needy and want to be told how nice I am all the time. Maybe then I would have believed it. 

At one point, I was talking with a friend of mine, and we came upon the topic of how we wanted our funerals to go depending on which of us kicked the bucket first. I guess she didn't expect I would be kicking it so soon, but at least it'll be fresh in her head what I'd like. 

We went as far as to ask if we wanted to be buried or not. My answer was yes, I do want to be buried, so you better not think about burning me and stuffing me inside some glass jar or tossing me to the wind. I want to have made some kind of mark on the world. Or in this case, literally in the world. I never became some famous chick you saw in every magazine or the kind where you'd find my name in the hall of fame. 

Still, I want there to be some sort of proof that I exist because... "No one deserves to be forgotten. No one deserves to fade away. No one should come and go and have no one know that they were ever even here." 

Yes, Sabrina, I decided to quote the words from the song intentionally this time. It's become a real favorite of mine because of you. 

Anyways... I feel like my time here has just ticked by a bit faster than other's. I better not find out any of you followed me or even thought about it. This is my choice, and one I can't see myself regretting. I'll have an eternity to change my mind. 

So, here's to all the good times we shared. You're going to have so many more good times on your own that you may not remember the ones we had forever, but that's okay. I'll always be thinking about them. I'll be thinking about all of you. I wish you all the best of luck having to put up with the world I've had enough of.

~ Your dearly departed...