What Was Ours

2I. Go

I knew this wasn't an ideal situation but this was on both of us. It wasn't just me who fathered this child. He had done his part. He was probably having his moment of denial. And that was okay, that really wasn't a problem but I needed answers. Could I count on him? Everything seems to be crumbling down.

His silence was louder than words. I was bursting out in tears. I was trying to hold back the sobs that were forming. There it was stuck in my throat without a way out. I was going to choke in my tears. I didn't want to be seen like this. This was another moment where my vulnerability made me feel weak and impotent.

He didn't step towards me. He remained in his place. I wasn't going to receive any support. I'm alone. I'm truly alone. I thought I knew what being alone meant before. This was nothing compared to his initial betrayal. He did it to me again but this time there wasn't a chance I'd go back to him. It was just me and my baby. My baby—only mine.

This is how it's going to end for us. This is it. Our last meeting. Our goodbye.

"Go home. I'll see you after work. I'll have a contract ready. You'll get monetary support. Think of where you want to live. I want you two to have a nice home. I'll contact my lawyer." He was rushing his words. He was looking for a way out. This wasn't about finding a way out or looking for a solution. This was about being there but he wasn't.

My anger took over. I slapped him. I, myself, wasn't expecting the sting in my hand to be less painful than that of my chest. He deserved it. He deserved more than a simple slap to the face but I wasn't going to do more. He wasn't worth my energy anymore. I was done. I'm done with him. It's over.

"Don't come. If that's the way it's going to be—fine. I'll talk to your lawyer. I only want support until I can work. It'll be after giving birth to the baby. You're a fucking coward Jungkook. I wish I could hate you. I really do."

My anger was at full throttle. It might been my anger speaking for me but I didn't regret any of the words that came out of my mouth. I never felt more determined than I do. I was going to live and make my child happy. I'd provide the best I could for him or her. We'd be okay without Mister Jeon. We'll be fine, I promise. It's a promise I'm going to keep.

"Think about what you're saying. You haven't finished college. You have two years left. When they find out you're pregnant they'll take away your scholarship," he tried to reel me back in.

"Don't you think I know that? Of course, I do. I got that scholarship for exemplary behavior and my good grades. The thing is I knew that I should've left you the moment you said you were married. I had fallen in love by then." He stayed silent.

He had known all this time. He knew I had fallen for him. He used my own feelings to his advantage. He was truly a mastermind. Mister Jeon played a game, I didn't even know was in play. I was played a fool. My stupidness led me here. If only, I'd opened up my eyes sooner, I would've avoided all this. The heartbreak, the pregnancy, my void...

He really fucked me up. I had prayed for him to be different. Part of me believed he cared a little for me but not even the slightest of empathy was given to me. He could take all his riches and shove them up his ass. I wasn't going to play his game no more.

"But you don't love me. I think, it's best if I leave. Sorry, Mister Jeon for interrupting your busy schedule." This was it for me. Our last exchange of words. I turned around not willing to let him hurt me anymore.

"Don't be irracional. Let's talk about it. I'll take my lunch hour now. We'll discuss this. We can figure out what to do." He sounds desperate but a desperate man will say anything to get things to end in their favor. How naive would I be to accept his words?

I turn to face him. There was nothing more for me to say. He only needed to know that for me whatever we had was over. That he didn't need to take pity of me or the child. We'd be fine without him.

"There's nothing to discuss. I'm having a child on my own. You're nothing more than a stranger. I'm sorry, for wasting your time. If it makes you feel better I'll sign a discretion contract. Otherwise, you know I won't say anything." I set myself free from his grip. It was metaphorically and physically. It should feel relieving but it's uncertainty that I feel. The unknown was to come and I was unprepared for it. I'd have to face it head on and survive the dark that's ahead of me. The darkness I helped create for myself.

"Goodbye, Mister Jeon. I hope you have a nice day."

I walked away not only from his office but from his life. That was the hardest thing I could do. Nothing could be harder than leaving a failed first love which was more toxic than innocent. There was no innocence in what we had. He was the devil and he held me in his clutches. I set myself free before he could consume every part of me. I would never turn back to see the ashes of the remnants left behind. The consuming fire he set aflame. That's the last time he'll hear about me or from me. Our last goodbye.

~*~

I returned to the apartment a mess. I had talked to his lawyer. His lawyer had been silent throughout the whole procedure. He drafted a confidentiality contract on the spot with his secretary. I signed the three sheets of paper stating I wouldn't talk of ever meeting Mister Jeon or any of the events that occurred during our interactions. I signed him off out of my life easily. I didn't ask for any monetary assistance for the child or me. Mister Jeon was nothing but a stranger, the moment the paper read my name. That only took a matter of seconds. Why didn't I take those seconds earlier on?

There was no turning back, no what ifs. Life was what you make of it and I for one plan to learn from this. It had to be done. I'd do it taking one step at a time. Now, I had to leave this apartment. I was thankful to have everything ready for my exit. The bedroom looked so different from before. It seemed bigger and too luxurious for someone like me. I never asked for all the extravagant things, only something simple like life. How crazy was I? I picked up my belongings and grabbed my savings. Also made sure to take some valuables. There was my things and his things which he paid for. But I had earned every single thing with my silence and body. Didn't I? I didn't need to regret taking what was gifted to me or given willingly.

I wiped the tears that hadn't ceased. The sobbing fest was over. I had to be strong and continue living. The baby needed a healthy papa, a strong one to help them along the way. I'd be a good papa.

I turned around taking one last look at the apartment before turning of the lights. I locked the door leaving the apartment keys behind. There was no use for them. This was no longer a place I would be welcomed. There was no lonelier feeling than a broken heart, head low, heart on your sleeve, with your belonging being pulled behind you as if it's the last you'll ever see of yourself and your past. There was no "get ready, get set, go" there was only...

Get ready...go.

January 02, 2019
First update of the year...